


Let Me Go /Luke/Ashton

by 5SOSBipolarNips



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 08:53:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4740353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5SOSBipolarNips/pseuds/5SOSBipolarNips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myke has to learn she can't live in the past, with the person she once loved, and love someone in the present.</p><p>_<br/>Ashton died two years ago and left a massive impact on his ex-girlfriend Myke, but she can still see him though the medication she takes for her depression. 5sos are still a band but without Ashton, the band is definitely not how they are today. Myke meets the 5sos boys through Caitlin, Calum's girlfriend, and suddenly her life is turned around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

School.

Just that one word that makes most of us teenagers shudder.

School is supposed to be a place where you run around with your friends, learn lots of pointless shit that you'll never use in a life, and be the best time of your existence! Are they serious about that one?

School is hell.

No, I'm not being bullied. It seems like everyone is when it comes to school stories, but I'm not. So don't worry about this story being about a girl who end up fancying her bully, because luckily for me, I'd have to find a bully first, which isn't and won't be on my to do list.

So I guess that crosses one cliché plot off the list.

And that's it, I'm not on any of that cliché list because I'm just an ordinary girl, well as normal as they get round here.

I love Nutella whether it's on a slice of toast, pancakes, or even just eaten with a spoon. I spend way too much time on Twitter stalking celebrities, spamming them to get a follow so I feel wanted in life. I watch way too much Netflix in just my kickers with a bowl of popcorn between my legs. I also sing way too loudly to any Taylor Swift song, while dancing like a orangutan on speed. And I have only enough money in my bank to buy me a McDonalds' nuggets happy meal.

So I think I'm probably pretty average on the scale from a potato to Beyoncé.

Back to school, yeah sorry about that rant, that's the place I am walking into today. Wearing the same pair of leggings I've been wearing all week, a shirt that has some stain down the front, and a hoodie to fall asleep in maths, and also to cover the stain, that I think is last week's tikka masala.

"You will never meet anyone looking like that! You're wearing thongs with a hoodie! You look so multiseasonal!" He laughs louder into my ear. I'm not sure multiseasonal is a thing, but if it was, I would be it.

"That's the point Ashton. It's knob repellent" I snap back to him. He's always on about me meeting someone new when I just want to be alone, with Harry Styles, but we all know that won't happen. I know every girl has her fantasies where a really fit guy walks into you, drops all your book and help you up, only to end up marrying a year later in his palace.

But I don't want someone yet! I've just turned eighteen and should be having one night stands in Ibiza, not looking for princes who knock people over.

Also, because I spend most of my time stalking British celebrities, I can't help but think of what thongs are over there! Then again, knickers that go up your arse and a hoodie still seems pretty multiseasonal...

He just laughs his usual loud laugh and we walk inside the building of pure boredom and torture.

We take our seats at the back, which makes perfect distance from the teacher to talk, because she's practically deaf, and write whatever we want on our desk because she only puts her glasses on when actually teaching us. I'm pretty good at maths and never end up behind so I normally use the lesson to do other lessons homework or revise for a test.

But no matter how good I am at maths, nothing could prepare me for the dreaded calling on me to answer a question.

"Myke, what is the answer?" Her voice booms through the classroom and into my ears. Everyone's head turns my way, eyes piercing through mine, awaiting for me to either succeed in answering the question, which they'd just carry on like it never happened, or judge me and remember my failure for the rest of my time here.

It sounds like I'm exaggerating but teenagers can be ruthless!

My eyes quickly scan the question repeatedly, my palms becoming sweaty, and my breathing becoming uneven. This question wasn't something I knew, and for the first time, I'd been caught out.

I try to find the answer quickly but I can see the impatient expressions of everyone in the room staring at me.

"The answer is 69 Myke" My ears open up to the voice of Ashton whispering in my ear.

I let out a long breath and say,

"69"

rather too cheerily because I've won against the judgemental teenagers for the rest of this lesson.

"Detention!"

"What?!" I stand to my feet with my palms pressed flat on the table.

The whole class erupts into laughter, some even nearly falling off their chair at the number that everyone finds hilarious because of the sexual act it represents. I turn to the side to see this person who's laughing the hardest, Ashton.

His huge hazel eyes are glistening with laughter tears. He's practically spinning around on the chair with his hands on his knees, while huge loud laughs echo through his wide open mouth.

He's finding this way too funny.

"Because Myke, the answer is x minus three" She sternly remarks, handing me the green detention slip with the box 'inappropriate language' ticked. She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose and loudly shouts for everyone to calm down, but she must have forgotten that we're a whole different species who don't respond to stuck up teachers who make us do maths.

I fall back in my chair and sharply cross my arms over my chest. A deep scowl plasters my face and my narrowed eyes keep on the board, ignoring the laughing hyena beside me.

"You've got to admit that was funny" Ashton pants through his non-stop laughter.

"Fuck off" I say bluntly, not even looking at him. He just laughs even harder at my attitude, continuing to humiliate me.

He'll find it even more hilarious when has to wait an hour for me to come out of detention.

-

"Nope" I repeat for the billionth time to Ashton's pleas.

"Come on, it was funny" he says with a small chuckle through his words, which then deserves a middle finger to the face.

"It was so funny that I had to have an hour detention when the new episode of Criminal Minds came out." I snap and grab my key from my pocket.

"Come on, I can help you with some Biology revision" he widens his eyes to resemble puppy eyes and presses his large palms together.

"No, now get lost. I need to actually do some revision so you need to occupy yourself for a couple of hours" I say when turning my key.

He just sighs deeply and disappears.

Well, that was easier than I expected.

I push open the door and am greeted by Gerald and Tina sat watching TV on the couch.

"Hey Myke. Landlord needs rent by the end of the week" Gerald says, only glancing at me for a split second just to know it's me before placing the blunt back between his lips.

"Kay" I just respond simply and pass them to the kitchen, grab my can of coke with my name on and pop a ready meal into the microwave.

I decide to eat the meal at the little table in the kitchen while scrolling through Instagram. The last time I ate in bed led to finding mouldy fries appearing in random places.

I dunk my dirty plate in the sink to leave for Will to clean because it's his cleaning day. I grab my stuff and make my way to the stairs.

I'm looking forward to watching lots of TV, binge eating junk food and finally taking my bra off. I turn the door handle to my room and am greeted to Caitlin straddling Calum, trying to touch his stomach with her tongue.

I loudly cough causing Caitlin to jump for Calum's lap.

I've only seen Calum a few times over here and he's normally been leaving. Though if they are doing 'anything' the thin curtain will separate her side from mine. They never have sex here only unless Caitlin tells me in advance so I don't walk in like I am doing.

When we'd moved into the room, they told us we'd both got a room to ourselves, but actually meant a thin black curtain to separate the small room.

"Sorry, we heard about your detention so I didn't think you'd be back this early" Caitlin says with a guilty expression but we both know she doesn't give a shit that I walked in on them. Calum grabs his red shirt, that matches the colour of his embarrassed cheeks.

"It's fine. You're just luckily no boy wants some of this otherwise we'd need more than a curtain to separate the room" I gesture to my very beautiful body, covered by clothing ten sizes too big. I'm hoping this oversized fashion trend doesn't become outdated otherwise, I'm fucked.

Calum laughs at my comment, where as Caitlin looks disgusted by my rather dirty remark. She seriously needs to loosen up!

I take a seat on my bed and kick off my flip flops/thongs. I go to take off my bra but then stop when remembering Calum is still in the room.

"I'll see you later at the club" Caitlin says to Calum when he gets up too leave. I think they no longer have anything to say now they've swallowed each other's tongues.

"Yeah, you bringing anyone else? The security guards need to write the lists so if you're bringing someone I'll have to tell them" Calum says while scratching the back of his neck.

I'm watching the pair rather obviously because I don't give a shit. Also, I like to know what it's like to actually have a boyfriend and be popular.

"No. It'll just be me in the crowd, only unless the others have someone" Caitlin almost sounds ashamed. I thought she'd have to pick someone off a long list to come with her. She probably has a day of the week for each girl in her group.

"What about" Calum gestures to me, obviously doesn't know my name. I say it and Calum apologies.

"Well, only if she wants to. We're not close but she can" Caitlin says and I'm not sure if her face is trying to tell me to say 'no, I'm fine' or 'hell yeah I'm coming'.

"Do you wanna come?" Calum asks and both of them have all their attention on me.

"I don't know. I was kinda planning on eating till I'm sick and binge watching Game of Thrones." I say, not really answering. I don't know whether I do want to go or not.

"Well, I've got to go, but I'll put your name on so if you do you can" he says and before I can object because there isn't any need to, he's bolting out of the door, and out of the awkward conversation.

There's an silence once he leaves then Caitlin perks "Do you want to come?" She repeats the question Calum asked me only thirty seconds ago but thinks I'll give her a different answer.

"I dunno" I say shortly, finally reaching behind my back to take off my bra.

"Actually, please come. I'm normally stood by myself for an hour. Plus, you can fend off the guys who come and try to chat me up during their set so Calum doesn't kill them" she leans forward with a smile, which leads me to think she likes the attention of that. I swear the last bit is because I'm larger and she wants me to play the role of her 'DUFF'.

I feel like she only wants me to come to benefit her, actually, I know she only wants me to come to benefit her.

"I really don't think I want to. Club places aren't my thing." I say being truthful. I'm not that kind of girl who goes clubbing every night, searching for someone to take her home. And, I don't want to go, but there is a small part of me that wants me to.

"Come on, how long have we be sharing this room?" She asks me even though she knows the answer.

"Five months"

"And I've never had a conversation for longer than two minutes with you; I don't even know you're last name! If you come, it'll be less awkward from now on. I'm not saying for us to be best friends, but I would like to at least call you a friend" she says with her leant forward, so she's closer to me.

She's right about the not speaking to each other part. Ever since we moved in on the same day, we've barely spoken. We haven't because we don't like each other, but we just don't have intentions of getting to know each other and becoming friends.

Caitlin is so opposite me though. She's so beautiful that she could be a model, and I think she knows it. She's into boys a lot and going out shopping, clubbing and being a girl. And I'm just not.

None of us made the move to get to know one another and that's how it stayed. If I need help on a question I'd ask, or tell her to put the curtain round if she was watching TV or staying on her phone all night to block out the light. But that was it, and I really don't regret it.

"But how many people are going to be there?" I don't really have social anxiety but I don't want Caitlin running off and leaving me to survive the night.

"In our group of people will just be us two, Calum and his band. No one else comes out of our friend group, only unless one of the others has a chick with them." She says while getting up and opening her closet.

"I still don't know" I say and I know the same line is getting on both of our nerves. I just don't know whether I should go. Yeah, I think I want to go, but should I is a different thing all together.

"I'll give you a deal, if you want to leave we will and I'll never force you to come again, but if you like it, like I know you will, I get to style you for a week" she stops from flipping through her closet to look at me with raised eyebrows, waiting for me to the offer.

I think both of us know what I'm going to say.

"Fine, but you have to help me pick something out to wear"

Caitlin helps me pick out an outfit, which end up being a white and black oversized shirt, some skinny black jeans and my doc martens that come half way up to my knee. I don't look dressy but enough to not look like a pleb in a crowd of half dressed grinding teenagers.

I almost laughed at Caitlin when she offered to pick something out for me from her closet, which I reminded her that I'm a size 16 and won't fit in a size 6 outfit.

She seemed rather embarrassed that she offered but I kindly told her I didn't care. I really don't. My weight isn't something I'm bothered about because I chose to do this to myself. I don't like exercise. I love eating. So, what did I think was going to happen? I knew and know I'm not going to lose weight with the way I live my life, and I'm going to gain weight because of it, but I really don't care.

I used to.

I used to worry about it all the time. I used to stare in the mirror, grabbing my rolls in fistfuls. I used to want to grab a part of scissors and cut it all off.

But besides getting out of breath at the top of the stairs, or running for the bus, I haven't had any problems with it. So, until I can't buy sweats to fit me anymore, I'll start worrying.

Caitlin performs her magic on my hair by curling it with a big curler because I didn't want to sit for too long in between her legs for her to curl it with a thin one. She covered my face with makeup, some dark red lipstick and a little smokey eyeshadow so I look like a vampire and my look was complete.

Then Caitlin got ready.

She plastered her face with makeup, almost the same as mine just with false lashes and some eyeliner. Slipped on a skin tight red dress and heels. She pulled off the look and didn't look tarty/slutty like a lot of girls would look if they wore the same outfit with the makeup.

We hopped in a taxi and dropped off outside the door of the club/pub/place we were going to spend the next few hours at. I walk behind Caitlin because I have no idea where I'm going. I look like a lost puppy.

Caitlin says our names and we're passed through. The bitter smell of alcohol and sweat hits my nostrils. My face scrunches up in disgust but quickly relaxes after my senses get used to the filth. We head to the bar, Caitlin orders a cocktail and I order a beer. She makes me drink it with a straw so I don't smudge my lipstick, but I'm sure it doesn't make any difference.

There is a awkward silence, which makes me extremely glad for the loud music because otherwise this would be a lot worse. We nod to the beat of the computer crap blurting through the speakers.

Then Caitlin leads me over to a couch, where the music isn't as loud so we have to speak, sadly.

"You liking it so far?" She asks and I try not to lie.

"It's okay. It's not my scene but it isn't as bad as I thought." I push the straw into my mouth to tell her I'm finished talking.

"I'm glad"

Well we're back to the awkwardness.

"So what you doing in the holidays?" She's trying to make small talk, but I am glad she is making an effort. Not many people do.

"Probably just going to get caught up to date with The Vampire Diaries" I say truthfully. I heard Elena dies and Damon seems to get fitter so I'm in desperate need to watch it.

"Aren't you going to see your family?" She furrows her eyebrows.

That question just proves how much we know each other.

"I don't have a family" I say bluntly. Her face pales even behind the layers of makeup.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry" she says and moves her hand to my thigh in a sympathetic friendly gesture.

"No no. I was put in care. I've been a foster kid for my whole life. That's why I couldn't live in a dorm" I say, shrugging my shoulders.

"That's so sad" she gives me a sad smile.

"Honestly, it isn't. I loved it! The constant stream of friends. No nagging parents. I never knew my parents, and honestly, I don't want to. I don't have a sad story because I honestly did love my childhood." I truthfully say.

"Don't you want a family?" She seems confused why I wouldn't care that I don't have one.

"No. When you live in a foster home, it's like being in a hotel, people come and people leave. I never wanted to be adopted by someone, so I'd sabotage when people would come to 'view' me." I enjoyed being the way I was, and I didn't dream of a mum and dad like most of the children did there.

"So where you going to go in the holidays then? At the house?" She seems so confused and shocked by all of this. People don't realise how many of people like me are out there and how life is. It's not that uncommon.

"Yeah. I only kept in touch with a few kids at the foster home. I had to leave when I turned eighteen and then had to go my own way. I asked to do that though. I made a deal with them that I'd leave when I turned eighteen, they'd stop people trying to adopt me, and they'd not having to support me at all once I left"

People may be confused why I'm telling this girl I barely know my childhood story, but I'm open with it. If someone asks questions, I'll answer them. I'm not ashamed of my decisions because I like them and chose them. I wanted to live this way, so why would I be ashamed or embarrassed by them?

"Wow" she says simply with her finger tracing her jawline.

"Not really" I shrug again. This is normal for me. I'm an adult, well legally because I'm pretty immature. I'm independent and have to support myself. I work at Starbucks and with the rent being low for the house because it's split between five people, I'm easily supporting myself. I don't need any help.

Don't get me wrong, there have been times in my life when I needed someone to hold me and help me up. There have been time when I wanted a mum to teach me stuff, like periods, a dad to teach me that boys are evil and all girls should stay away from them. But there have been many times in my life where the idea of a family hasn't appealed to me at all.

I want to be in a family. My own with a husband and kids, but where I can not disappoint my kids and be everything I needed that I didn't have.

I want control over my life, and not have a family want to take that control.

"I wouldn't want that. Yeah, my dad's a knob. He's too bothered in getting higher in medicine and turning people into plastic dolls. Yeah, my mum's crazy and loves yoga way too much, but I couldn't live without them, and on my own. I admire you for doing all that on your own, even though you obviously love your life the way it is" She seems to be getting rather emotional, which definitely wasn't my intention for this evening.

"Thank you"

I wouldn't agree with the I love my life the way it is, because I don't. There are many things I would change, just not having a family or the way chose to live my life on my own, well I did want someone, but they chose to leave me.

A voice sounds through the speakers causing Caitlin to jump up. She downs the rest of her glass and grabs my hand, pulling me up.

I presume it's Calum's band from the starting of his voice and everyone crowding round the stage.

"Bassist's girlfriend coming through" Caitlin shouts, pushing her way through to the front, pulling me behind her.

We get to the front and are pressed against the railing, only a small one so we're not on the bands feet.

We're closest to Calum at the far right of the stage, then there's the rest of the band. There's a tall blonde boy in the middle who starts singing lead vocals, I'm too into bands not to know the lead vocal band member stands in the middle, plus he starts singing first. A boy to the blonde's left has bright blue hair playing a bright blue guitar, matching his hair. Then behind them is a dark haired boy playing the drums on a large drum kit.

Caitlin starts singing along and dancing along to the song, where as I just nod and shake my body only slightly so I don't look out of place for not moving.

They are pretty good with great vocals and they play pretty good too.

"The drummer is pretty shit" Ashton says from beside me.

"Well, you are supposed to be the drummer expert" I jokily say back.

"Well, I was pretty good not that I like to admit." He says and pushes his imaginary long locks over his shoulder.

"Well if you didn't kill yourself you could have been their drummer instead of a figure of my imagination"


	2. Chapter 2

He gives me that look warning me to stop but I just give him a sarcastic smile and tilt my head. "What?" I say, acting as if I have no clue what he's on about.

"This. You know it just drops your mood. You're enjoying yourself and now you're making yourself sad for what? It doesn't achieve anything" his tone is sharp, but he doesn't realise this is what makes me sad.

"You're the one who's brought up what you used to be like! You could be up on that stage, but instead you're ten feet under the ground! Don't tell me what to do Ashton! You never listened to me so why should I listen to you?!" I snap whisper because I notice a few dancing people around me noticing me arguing with myself.

This is my life though.

Everything's a reminder of how life would have been. Even a stupid drummer almost brings me to tears.

"You okay?" Caitlin takes her eyes off of Calum to notice my frown.

"Yeah, just want to get so drunk that I can't see" I cheer, causing her to smile and tell me she'll get me plastered once their sets finished.

I try to keep my eyes on the band and move my body to the beat. They are pretty good and they are all pretty fit too. Not one of them is not as good looking as the next, and I guess that's the reason why most of the people in this crowd are thirsty girls with their tongues wagging like dogs.

I glance at Caitlin, she's dancing like no bodies looking, screaming the lyrics as loud as she can, and you could see the fond expression plastered on Calum's face as he watches her while singing the lyrics with her.

I sway with the crowd and ignore the grumpy face of Ashton as he watches me from the corner of my eye. There are times like this that I wish he wasn't here at all. That he wasn't here to torment me. But he's all I've got.

I turn my head back to the band and watch as the blonde lead vocalist starts belting out the last verse of their song. His voice is truly beautiful and calming. His accent is prominent through some of the lyrics, and then his voice uses that edge to turn into something magnificent.

I stop suddenly when my eyes catch behind him. His wavy locks slamming against his forehead as his hand crash into the drums. Beads of sweat form above his eyebrows and at his Cupid's bow. His arms bulge from his large muscles contracting when his arms fly into the air and down in swift motions.

A sudden feeling of vomit pushes through my stomach causing me to turn away, pushing through the bodies that either holds annoyed or confused faces.

This is just one of his stupid tricks. This is tormenting me to the fullest, forcing me to notice him.

Notice what could have been.

I'm not one to live in the past, but this is cruel. For so long he has just let me be. We've pretended he's here, and he chooses the one day I'm actually trying to do one normal thing in my life, he takes that away. He has to be the only one in my life or not at all.

I hear my name being shouted behind me, which must be Caitlin realising I've bolted off.

I slam myself through the door and into the cubicle, instantly pulling my hair at the back and empty my stomach.

"You okay?" I hear Caitlin's confused and concerned voice from behind me. I'm not pretty at all right now. With the back of my hand I wipe the rest of the vomit from my mouth and turn to walk past Caitlin and to the sinks. I rinse my mouth out under the faucet and I look up in the mirror to see Caitlin holding a toothbrush and paste.

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"It's a good job I'm prepared" I give her a thankful smile and take them from her hand.

"You okay with me using this toothbrush?" I ask because I know most people are iffy about these things, well even I am.

"Yeah, I only bring this if I'm in your place. It's happened a few times sadly. You can use it, but I have used it after similar situations" She warns, basically telling me her vomit has been brushed away with the same sparkly pink brush.

I just nod and stick it in my mouth, brushing violently to get the ugly taste and smell away. Caitlin jumps up and sits on the counter. I rinse my mouth and take the paper towel from her hand.

"Didn't you only have one beer?" She says with a slight giggle to her voice, making it go higher.

"Yeah, but I've been pretty ill recently so I guess it was that. I'm not really a lightweight" I lie, well besides not being a lightweight. I've had enough experience with alcohol for my body to almost become immune to the side effects.

"So you enjoying tonight?" She asks and I genuinely think she's interested.

"So far so great, besides the throwing up but we'll forget about that one" I say and leave out Ashton's torment.

"What do you think of the band?" She asks, and this seems like the most important question she's asked me ever.

"They're good. I thought they'd be a lot worse so it was a pleasant surprise." I say honestly. I do think they are good, really good.

She goes to reply then turns her head away from me, wondering whether to answer me a question or not. The question has caught her lip between her teeth and her nails tap on the counter.

"Right I'm going to ask you this question because I feel like none of my friends answer this truthfully and I know you'll give me a blunt answer"

Just like I knew, I'm the replacement for this night. My shoes will be filled by tomorrow.

I nod for her to continue.

"Do you think Calum loves me?" She looks at me with sad eyes.

"Do you love him?" I answer with a question.

"A lot. I've never loved someone so much in my life. I do everything for him. We've been going out for nearly a year, and even though we've exchanged 'I love you's, I feel like he never truly meant it" I can hear the sadness and the insecurities in her voice from girl who I thought was confident and perfect, crumble down in front of me. I guess it proves that everyone has insecurities, even when their lives seem perfect.

"I don't know because I've never really spoken to either of you for long, especially Calum, but I can tell you one thing. There are loads of girls out there, throwing themselves at Calum and his band, wanting to brag about sleeping with a band member, and the whole time he had his eyes on you. Not once did he glance at the heart eyed girls in that crowd. It just proves that, yeah it might not be love, but he does care for you so much that no other girl competes. His eyes are just for you."

He didn't even glance at me for a split second then going back to her; it's too beautiful not to notice. I love watching young couples, either watching in sadness because you know they're going to part, or watching I'm admiration because you know they're going to last.

"Thank you" she smiles to herself, and I feel a warm feeling in my stomach, a satisfying feeling of achievement, that I've made someone happy.

"Let's go back to them" I say, passing her toothbrush and paste back. We both walk out with huge smiles on our faces.

"Aww, they've nearly finished their set!" Caitlin boos over the loud music. She must know their set pretty well to say she knows every lyric of every song and their set list order. Her energy has increased from our conversation and I think a lot of weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Ashton seems to have disappeared now, which is strange because he's normally here permanently or away for a couple of hours when I force him out by blocking him out with something like music. This is strange though, besides our incident earlier, he'd normally at least in sight.

My eyes drag from the moving crowd, to Caitlin, then to the band playing on the stage. The blonde one presses his lips in a thin lined smile, close to the mic. His voice sounds through the speakers, closing the show and says their goodbyes. They lead off one by one and soon after, the crowd act as if they were never there.

I wish I'd listened to their full set, but something made me know this won't be the last time I'd be here.

"We'll go into the VIP area to wait for them" Caitlin says, already pulling me through the crowd of bodies.

"VIP?"

"Yeah, the boys get to be in the VIP area! It's one of the bonuses for having a boyfriend who's in a band!" She smiles over the music; her response to my comment earlier makes my energy increase with hers.

We make it to the VIP area, which isn't much different in appearance, just with slightly less worn furniture, a bar to share with less people and less sweat in the air. Caitlin orders another round and we take our seat at a booth. We get into a conversation about the night so far because we're both treading egg shells on what to say to each other.

Caitlin stops in mid-sentence when her eyes stop behind my head. "They're here" she mouths while standing. I'm not sure if I should join her on her feet or stay sat. I decide to not look out of place and stand up with her. I turn round just as the boys come walking towards us, laughing and bumping shoulders. Caitlin walks up to Calum, cupping his cheeks and pressing her lips against his. I can tell he was shocked by the sudden affection, but quickly relaxes and places his palms on the small of his waist.

I awkwardly stand sipping on my straw while the band continue laughing and joking. Finally Caitlin pulls away from Calum, linking fingers and walking over to me.

"Hey Myke, you made it" Calum says, giving me a half smile and a small wave.

"Yeah, I thought I'd see if you guys were any good" I say, partly lying. I know I wanted to come for myself, but I also wanted to listen to a band. I love live music rather than the computer crap that normally plays through the speakers of most clubs.

"I'm glad, hopefully you can come again so Caitlin isn't always on her own while we play" he nuzzles his nose into her neck causing her to squirm. They're cute together, but being the bitter single person I am, I wish they would get a room. I'm jealous. No one can lie and say they don't want someone to love and care for them.

"Don't expect me to come every week!" I'm not lying. This isn't my thing and it never will be. It's been fun, but I feel out of place, and I have a feeling that from now till the end of the night, I'm going to be left out. Caitlin has Calum now; she doesn't need me to fill the silence.

"Luke, Michael and Dan, come over here," Calum shouts over the three lads getting their drinks at the bar. I take another drink from my bottle, hoping the rest of the night will go quicker with alcohol in my system.

"This is Myke" Calum gestures towards me and they smile.

"I was going to introduce myself as Mikey, but call me by my full name instead, Michael" His plump lips move into a cheeky smile and his hand moves in the middle of us. I squeak an 'oh' when I realise he was doing it for me to shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you"

"Hi, I'm Luke" The blonde haired boy smiles shyly. The confidence he had when laughing with the other only moments ago seems to have vanished.

"Hi" I say simply. I don't understand why we're all introducing each other so formally. I'm not the queen.

I mentally laugh at myself.

"Dan!" Calum elbows the boy I recognised as the drummer. He barely glanced at me, mumbled a 'hey' and continued to search around with his head moving from side to side like a meerkat.

"Guys I'm leaving to find a bird. See you guys next week" Dan shouts, already walking off to his next prey.

"Sorry, he's pretty rude" Luke give me a sad smile, as if I'd be offended. I'm not. He didn't seem nice anyway.

"He's a knob" Michael grunts, grabbing his bottle of beer and sitting on the couch. I take a seat and Luke sits next to me. Calum and Caitlin sitting between Michael and I.

They all changed once Dan left, so I guess none of them like him.

"Do you guys like him?" I ask, curious why this Dan is even in the band.

"None of us do. He's only in the band for chicks, and he's a shit drummer anyway" Calum scoffs. Caitlin plays her hand on his knee to soothe him. I can tell she has heard them moan about Dan a lot.

"Why don't you just get rid of him then?" I ask like it's obvious.

"Because there aren't many drummers willing to join. He's all we've got" Calum replies, huffing. The others nod along, showing that they all want a different drummer.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask because from what I've seen, he didn't seem that bad. They're acting like he's evil.

"He's an ass, but his drumming doesn't help. He's not that good, and always forgets the beats, misses rehearsals and always brings multiple girls to come watch." Michael's voice seems angry, making me wish I'd never asked.

"Well, this was the first time you've come, what did you think of him?" Calum asks, resting his chin on his palm. All the attention was on me, and I'm not sure if I liked that. I've always avoided attention of any kind, good or bad, but a part of me liked that they were listening to me, answering my question and wanting me opinion.

"Not that great to be honest" I shrugged slightly.

"Well why? Why didn't you think he was good? We like to get opinion from people watching us because we want to improve so we can afford a new drummer"

"Yeah, and what did you think of us too?" Michael adds to Calum, Luke still staying quiet but still keeping his attention on me. Caitlin is scrolling through her phone, obviously over our conversation.

It felt like I had sudden pressure on me to say good things; that they were perfect and Dan was just a little bad, but I wanted to give my opinion, and not lie when I can tell they wanted the truth.

"To be honest, I thought he was pretty shit. He was off beat quite a lot, not hitting the drums hard enough, which you could tell because he barely extended his arms, and he stayed way too low on the drums. I'm not a drum expert but you could tell he wasn't that great because you could hear you guys, then the drums separate, and not together if you get what I mean. Vocally, you guys were great. I didn't hear much because we went to the bathroom, but I don't have anything else to say on those. Overall, I thought you guys were great" I smile and hope my answer was okay.

I know I sounded like I knew drums well, but I used to watch Ashton play and I listen to a lot of music, but I don't know enough about them to actually play.

"Thank you, we'll have to tell Dan in our next rehearsal. You know a lot more than most people do about music" Calum says. I don't know whether to reply, but I'm given my answer when Calum turns to Michael and starts a conversation with him. Caitlin listens in if it's something she can comment on, but when it's about guitar riffs, she goes back to scrolling through Instagram.

"Myke, how do you know Caitlin?" I hear I voice from the side of me, and I quickly realise its Luke. I'd forgotten he was here because he was so quiet, besides our legs pressing together from being on a small booth. Though my other is pressed against Calum's, but somehow, Luke's bothered me more.

I wasn't getting all hot and flustered over the guy I'd only just met. He's hot; don't get me wrong, but something made me feel interested in him.

Though, I felt interested in all of them. I was beginning to like Caitlin, even though I know we aren't going to become best friends, but I respected her. Calum seemed nice and I like the way he and Michael wanted to hear my opinion. Michael seemed cool with the bright hair, and the band shirts of bands I listened to, which they were all wearing. But I guess I was interested in Luke the most, because the whole time he barely spoke, but seemed so interested. His eyes seemed to be watching my every move, making me feel insecure about my every imperfection, but comfortable at the same time.

"I'm Caitlin's roommate at the house" My lips set into a small smile, not into a creepy one, but just one to show I was welcoming and wanting to talk to him.

"Not sounding rude, but I don't think she's ever mentioned you before" he says, rather confused that I've turned out of the blue.

"We never really talk. I don't even know her last name. I was invited by Calum so Caitlin wouldn't be alone, and so we could get to know each other so we can at least talk to each other." I tell him the truth, I'm not going to make up a reason why I'm in Caitlin's life and she's never mentioned me before. Though this shows me that Caitlin must hang around with the boys a lot for Luke to be curious why he's never heard of me.

"Oh right. So that means you go to the college?"

"Yeah, though I'm in the year below you I think." I say because I'm pretty sure Calum, Luke and Michael all took music, and they aren't in the same class as my year. I don't take music but my drama class sometimes shares their room.

Plus I think I've seen their faces, but never crossed paths in any of my classes.

"Yeah, probably." There's a small silence, but not an awkward or an uncomfortable one, just a silence that holds thought.

"Wanna dance?" Luke asks when I down the rest of my drink, trying to get drunk as quick as possible.

"Sure" Some sort of inner confidence stands up, grabbing Luke's hand and tugging him away from the booth. Caitlin gives me a confused look for some reason but doesn't stop me. The other two boys are too into their conversation to know we've left.

I know by my size that me dancing would never look good, but with the alcohol running through my veins, dancing doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Luke doesn't seem to be the person to dance much so he just sways but when Dirty Little Secret by All Americans Rejects come on, we both relax under each other's company. Luke starts mouthing the lyrics and I know he loves the song, and I do too, so I start practically shouting the lyrics. I get what I want when he laughs and joins in.

My face turns into a huge smile, one I haven't truly felt in such a long time. I'm having fun. I'm enjoying myself and I remind myself this is what Ashton wanted, he wanted me to have fun, enjoy myself and smile. He made it clear he didn't want me to react the way I did, and for this night I'm not.

I'm not acting like my best friend and ex boyfriend killed himself. I'm acting like a normal teenager, having fun, getting drunk and dancing with a stranger.

Song after song plays and the more that play, the drunker I get. Alcohol consumes my veins and pushes everything out of my system, taking Ashton out as a side effect.

But I don't notice.

There have been times where he's disappeared for half an hour, without me forcefully pushing him out, and I've panicked, had anxiety attacks worrying he won't come back, but I've not seen him since he replaced himself with the drummer, and my brain seizes to notice.

My thoughts are on me and Luke, dancing stupidly to lyrics that we're screaming.

Luke's arms grip around me, supporting me when I trip over a foot and nearly fall. I thank him with slurred words, which he replies with a toothy grin and a chuckle with a nod.

"Maybe we should get back to the others, Bambi" He chuckles and I laugh rather too loud at the pet name he gave me for being clumsy. He goes to link our fingers, but I save the move by linking our arms instead. We weave through the mass of bodies and make it back to the others.

I expect at least one of them to have left or gone to dance, but they're in the same place, just with Caitlin sat on the other side of Calum and talking rather than being sat on her phone. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that in a bad way, it's probably because before she couldn't involve herself in the conversation and now she can.

"Had fun?" Michael interrupts Caitlin to ask us, but I don't answer because the answer seemed to be more aimed at Luke.

"Yeah, this one is definitely a dancer" Luke laughs, pointing at me. I laugh with him because 'a dancer' is definitely something that I wouldn't describe myself, ever.

"You'll have to come again so I can see you dance" Michael says with a welcoming smile. All of them seem nice and I'm extremely glad none of them are pricks, well besides Dan from what it seems.

We get into a conversation about music and I'm glad they like proper music instead of computer crap. They're great company, and there's a part of me that wants to come again and become friends with them, but I know I'm not ready to share my life with someone else, and with those thoughts corrupting my mind, I'm ready to leave.

"You coming home soon?" I ask Caitlin because I've had enough for the night and I'll go with her if she's coming.

"Soon, but I think I'm going to stay at Calum's if that's okay with you?" she asks it as a question but we both know I can't say no. We barely know each other so I can't make her come with me just because we've spoken for longer than five minutes.

"It's fine. I'll just catch a taxi" I give them all a smile, and grab my bag. Calum waves a bye and I'm shocked and surprised when Michael pulls me into a hug, especially since out of the four of them, he's the least I've spoken to. His hug's tight and a feeling inside me makes me think he knows more about me than I'm aware of. We pull apart; both smiling and I quickly wave to Luke.

I make it out of the pub/club after multiple times of getting lost. My shoes are already in my hand by the time I make it to the curb, while I look around for a taxi. Not a single one. I grab my bag and rummage around to find my phone to call one.

"Myke!" I hear Luke's voice shout from behind me. I turn to see him jogging towards me.

"Hey" I say simply when he makes it to me.

"Want a lift?" He asks slightly panting.

"Aren't you drunk?" I ask because I definitely am.

"No. I've only had one beer a few hours ago. I'm completely sober" he says with the permanent half smirk half smile on his face.

"So you dance like that sober? I was hoping you'd forget mine" I laugh. His dancing was almost as bad as my terrible attempt at moving my limbs to the rhythm of the music playing; his long armed sprinkler was my favourite.

"Sadly, yes" he chuckles with me.

He asks me again whether I want a lift, and it doesn't sound too much of a bad idea. I'd have to wait in this freezing cold for around half an hour and he doesn't seem like an axe murderer.

"Okay, thank you" I follow him a small dinky car behind the back of the club. I take a seat in the passenger seat and don't complain when the radio plays Panic! At The Disco's newest album. He goes to turn it off but when I start singing along with This Is Gospel, he retracts his arm and joins in with me.

Shortly after, he pulls outside the house.

"Thank you for the ride Luke" I thank him with a smile. He is super good looking, my girl hormones definitely know that, especially when his lips strain into a large smile.

"It's okay. It was nice meeting you Myke" he smiles. I grab the door handle, letting myself out of the car. I grab all my stuff and wave at him one more time before walking up the drive. His car doesn't move to till I'm inside.

I drop my things at the door and walk around to the window to see him eyeing the house then pulls away. My lips are in a small smile as I walk up the stairs to my room, being careful not to wake everyone up. I open the door, pulling off my clothes and grab a vest, tugging it over my head. I lay down and stare at the ceiling with wide eyes.

"I like to see you smile. It's been so long since I have." Ashton's voice whispers in my ear as a tear rolls down my cheek and into my smile.


	3. Chapter 3

My hand repeatedly slams my fingers down on my phone, wanting it to shut up its incredibly annoying tone; I make a mental note to change the tone to something I actually want to wake up in the morning to, like I do every morning but never get round to doing so. Finally, it switches off and I think I've gone deaf when I don't hear Caitlin's moans at me to hurry up and turn off the damn thing. My head is throbbing beneath my palm, causing me to groan. 

"This is why you stopped drinking" Ashton laughs softly from Caitlin's bed, him just sat in his boxers. 

"No, I stopped drinking so I could actually see you instead of drinking you out of my system" I roll my eyes, and he does the same. 

I ignore him by walking over to my draws on my side of the room. I pull out some black skinnies, my work apron and polo shirt, and my worn 7 UP shirt to put on after I finish work. After I grab my toiletries bag, I make my way to the bathroom that, sadly, I have to share with the rest of the house. Though, at least I wouldn't have to share with a campus full of horny boys and stick thin girl instead. You can probably understand the creepy college guys, but girls who put your self confidence down because they have less fat on them than your big toe isn't a good feeling. 

The water burns slightly from me being the first in the shower and the boiler being rubbish. The house is pretty crap, but it does work and the shitter the house is, the cheaper the rent. Plus it's a good house to live in till I can get a house myself with less public hair clogging the drains.

I curse under my breath when I see my shampoo is empty, which is probably from Caitlin after she went in the shower before going to the club last night. I keep the water running and step out to search around for shampoo hoping one of the others has left some in here. I find a bottle of Lynx that's either Will's or Gerald's. After I've massaged the gel into my hair, I mentally moan at the manly smell that no one can resist. I rinse myself off and change into my work clothes. 

I unzip my makeup bag and am thankful when there is enough concealer to scrap out of the tube to cover the dark patches beneath my eyes. I cover my face with foundation, bronzer, light eye shadow, some mascara and a thin line of eyeliner across my lid. I don't call that a lot of makeup, which is why I get so angry when people say girls only put makeup on to impress others, it's not true, and most of us do it to feel good about ourselves. If I look good, I feel good. I'm not doing it because I think guys will fall at my feet, but mostly for my own confidence, and so mirrors don't crack at my reflection. 

I search for the same grip I've been using for the last month because I've lost the rest and can't be arsed to go out and buy some more. I bring my hair up in a high ponytail and put my, need to be cut, bangs from my face. 

8:46 

I groan when I see the time on my phone. My feet move quickly grabbing my bag with my belongings and top to switch into. I practically run down the stairs, missing a few at a time, run into the kitchen and snatch a piece of toast from Will's plate. 

"Hey!" he shouts but laughs when I stick my middle finger up at him, tell him I'll pay him back later and bolt out of the house. My eyes catch the bus stood letting an elderly woman on the bus. I use my last remaining energy to jog to the bus. My feet jump on before he can drive off, and I can see him moaning while he waits for me to find my pass in the bottom of my bag. I flash the pass quickly before sitting right at the back. 

I look at my phone while munching on the last of Will's toast. 

Caitlin- Be back at 6 x We need to talk ;) 

I roll my eyes knowing she's being nosy about Luke, but I decide to not reply and open the Candy Crush app. She only gave me her number in case she had to go to her dorm room if he dad came to visit. Her dad doesn't like Calum because he's not what he wants for his daughter. 

I understand to an extent. 

I don't have a child, so I can't pretend I understand completely, but if I had a child, I would want the best for them, and that's what Caitlin's dad wants for her. He thinks Calum is too carefree, immature and doesn't like that he'd rather perform for the rest of his life, than get a 'real' job. He's too worried that Calum will lead Caitlin down the wrong path and use her for her body then dump her. So, he told Caitlin he would cut all her money if she stayed with Calum and not find a man who can support her. Obviously, Caitlin didn't like that so she told her dad they broke up, and rented out her side of our room so she can, basically, have sex and see Calum without her dad finding out.

And that's where I come in. 

When her dad comes to visit, she warns me and I cover for her with the others in the house because if someone found out the dorms would kick her out and her dad would find out. 

I press the buzzer for the bus to stop and jump off, speed walking with the late workers, who are rushing around just like I am. I burst into the cafe, past the line and behind the counter. 

"Hurry up, she's just talking to Becca round the back" Masie warns me while she hands over a man his coffee. I use her advice and avoid the back, dump my bag in the corner and swap places with Becca at the counter to get this line moving faster. 

-

My finger pads repeatedly press the button for decaf coffee on the till, but it still seems to be jammed or something. I curse to myself and am glad rush hour has finished, which means it's only teenagers and older women coming in for a natter. I sigh in relief when the button finally works. I scribble down a note on a sticky note telling someone to fit it. 

"Myke" I hear a voice say from the other side of the counter. I slowly lift my head up a tall body to meet the head of Luke. 

Have I just gained a stalker? 

"Hey Luke" I say pretending to look busy, which means moving the jars behind the counter and looking around to make sure I'm not going to get in trouble for talking to him. 

"I knew I'd seen you outside school before" he smiles with usual smile that my brain remembers from last night. 

"Yeah, I work here and have done for just over a year" I say bluntly, topping up the shelves of muffins. 

There's a silence when Luke looks like he's unsure of what to say, so I remind him of the reason why he probably entered Starbucks before seeing me. "What do you want?" 

"Please can I have a medium latte?" He smiles, handing him the money and when I give him the change, he puts it in the tip jar. 

"Thank you" I thank him and pray someone walks in through the door any minute. 

It doesn't help when I see Becca is on the phone in the back so she mouths that I have to make Luke's drink. Typical. 

"You got a hangover?" Luke asks with a small chuckle, remembering how much I drank last night. 

"Just a little." I sarcastically respond. I go to ask him the same question but remember that Luke didn't drink at all last night. Well, I don't class one beer as drinking.

"When's your break? I'm just shopping for a few hours before going to Michael's so do you want to chat?" His voice is so welcoming, and the biggest part of me wants to yes, rip my apron off my body and chase him to a seat, but I've already decided I'm not making last night a regular occurrence. I'm not ready to move on with my life, and most of all, I'm not ready to replace Ashton. 

"I can take my break any time, but I don't think I should Luke" I say honestly. 

"Come on, or I'll bug you till you will" Luke gives me a smirk, which causes my face to form an uncontrollable smile. 

"Fine, but I've got to leave soon" I say remembering my appointment in an hour. I finish Luke's drink and tell Becca I'm taking my break. She huffs and eyes Luke. I make myself a hot chocolate and find Luke sat near the window stirring his steaming drink. 

"Can I ask you some questions?" Shy Luke appears again. A slight tint appears on his cheeks and I almost laugh that someone like me is making someone nervous when I'm just so... me.

"We're not playing twenty one questions because that's just boys' way of asking if you're single" I snigger. In every game I've watched, the same question occurs every time to ask if they're single, a virgin and how many people they've slept with.

"Are you?" 

"Sneaky. And yes. I'd ask you the same but I'd be a hypocrite" I chuckle quietly into the rim of my cup.

"I am...What options did you take for college?" He asks, resting his chin in his palm. His blues eyes set on my lips as they mouth my words.

"English language, maths, drama and psychology" I mentally count because I don't remember all of them normally, despite their only been four to remember. 

"Mine are practically the same besides I took music instead of drama. What's your favourite colour?" He asks me such a simple question.

"Orange. Well, I'm rather picky because some oranges are tacky, but some oranges are nice. Though my favourite is definitely the orange the sky turns when the sun sets" he watches with a fond expression when I mix with my words. "What about you?"

"I'm a simple blue kind of guy, but you're persuading me on the orange. Why have I never noticed you before?" He asks with a confused smile, which makes me wonder whether he's struggled trying to answer that question himself.

"I'm just one of those girls who no one does" I shrug. That's what I want so I'm not going to sound sad about that. 

"Do you want that?" He raises an eyebrow. He doesn't understand why someone wouldn't want attention when in our society today, most people thrive off it, and I'm assuming since he's in a band, his whole career is based on attention otherwise he wouldn't be doing it.

"Yeah" 

"Why?" He questions further. 

"Because it's no one's damn business, including yours!" I snap, standing, grabbing my cup.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." I don't listen to his words because my defence mechanism is up. I quickly grab my bag behind the counter and tell Becca I have to leave for my appointment. 

"I'm sorry Myke. Please let me make it up to you" Luke stops me in the doorway with his eyes that reflect guilt and sadness. Mine soften at his blue eyes that have saddened to a mild grey reflecting the emotions. 

"No Luke. I'm sorry but I'm not interested. It's been nice meeting you but this isn't going to develop into a friendship." I say with the tone I use when I'm forcing my words out.

"Okay, I understand." He gives me a sad smile, which I return. "You forgot your receipt" he hands the the piece of paper and I almost scoff that he stopped me for something I'd bin anyway. 

"Bye Luke" 

"See ya later Myke" he gives me a weak smile and wave before letting me walk out the door. 

For some reason, maybe he will see me later.

Guilt instantly filled me. I was so rude and it was just plain mean. He was just trying to get to know me by asking questions, which I told him he could ask, but no, I had to reject him like that. He was being a nice person but I just couldn't continue in case I spilled the wrong thing. I want to be the person no one notices because that leads to so much more. I've learned from the past. 

People say "You've got to be in it to win it", but if you aren't in it at all then you can never lose. 

"You can't spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you, and you have to start by not rejecting yourself. You don't deserve it. From now on, people can either accept you for who you are or they can fuck off!" Ashton shouts at me when I glance back at Luke, his fingers tapping his cup with a thoughtful expression. 

Maybe he's right. 

_

I dig my nail into the sponge of the cushioned arms of the uncomfortable chair. The first time I'd came here, there was no hole, the chair was new, and now there's a hole that continues growing because of my own doing. 

I chuckle to myself.

How can a chair resemble my life so well? 

My name is spoken through the old speaker in the top corner of the room. I've never understood why they don't just come out and personally get me, it's more respectful that way, instead they say it through a speaker that is so old you can barely tell it was my name said. I guess I've been here too many times to know it's my name when the speaker cackles every time it pronounces the k. 

I position my bag on my shoulder and enter, walking to the room. I don't knock and just enter. A new woman sits in the therapist's seat, but that's just normal. I don't think I've had the same person for three sessions consecutively. 

She stands, and I ignore her. I think she expected me to welcome him with a shake of the hand, or even simple hello, but I just give her a small nod and sit. I've been through this enough times to not even care what they think anymore. 

"I'm your new therapist. My name is Miss Stevens, but you can call me Ana." She says with a small smile, analyzing my body language with every breath I take. 

"Myke" I say shortly. I know I'm being rude, but I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the endless meeting with people who don't give a shit about me, the same greetings and the repeat of this session almost every week. 

"So why are you here?" She's more informal than most of the others I've had. Plus, that's normally the last question I'm asked. Even though, that question should be the first question asked, like today, most of them sit there asking silly questions about eating, whether I've been out of the house, and if I've spoken to anyone. Most are questions that don't need to be asked, but 'why I'm here?', is a pretty darn good question, because there has to be a reason why I keep coming to these sessions, only to be harassed by people only here to be paid.

"Why I came today? Or why I'm supposed to be mental so I have to come?" I respond with a question and a blank expression. I half expected her to write on one of those black pads already, but instead, she's just watching me.

"How about both?" She sits back in her chair across from the desk. 

"I've came because if I don't, they'll force me to go back into hospital and that would mean time out of college which I can't afford, so turning up here every so often is worth it till I'm eighteen. Basically, no one knows what's going on in my pretty little head of mine. I've heard multiple things from bipolar to psychopathic. Though, the common one is that I'm apparently depressed." I go to fold my arms over my chest but what I'd learnt in my psychology class.

"What do you mean by 'apparently'?" Out of everything I say, she nitpicks 'apparently'. That's the thing about these people, they hear everything, you slip up and they'll ask you about it.

"Well, I don't think I am. Depression is something I wouldn't describe myself. I associate depression with being sad and barely being happy, but that isn't me. If you give me a pizza and let me watch Friends all day, I'm happy, I'm smiling, and I'm laughing. I feel like if you guys can't figure out what's wrong with a person, you just use depression as a scapegoat." 

"So what do you think is wrong with you?" She asks that one question that I wish I could answer. 

"To be honest, nothing. Yeah, I don't go out to parties every night like most teenagers, or chase boys until they like me, but that doesn't make me different" I stop myself, because even I don't believe my lies. Ashton wouldn't be sat in the seat next to me if nothing is wrong with me and I'm normal. 

"So, why do you think we still force you here? That no one can figure about what's wrong with you? Why would we try if we think there is nothing wrong with you?" She raises her eyebrow, and I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to get me to slip up so bad that I spill.

"Because you're all shit at what you do." I smirk. I'm not going to give her what she wants. 

"I think it's because you won't let anyone in" 

"That's where you're wrong. If I walked in here, didn't speak and just sat down, if I ignored you the whole time and stared at the wall, you could write an essay about that. If I came in here, gave you my life story and cried the whole time, you could write an essay about that. So don't give me that crap about me not letting anyone in, especially when it shouldn't matter, because you guys should know everything no matter how much I give out" I scoff. I've heard that crap before way too many times. 

"Right, do you want to know what I've got from you so far from the first ten minutes of you being here, despite you barely giving anything away?" She asks annoyed. 

"Go ahead" I sit back to hear the person ramble on about a load of shit. 

"You're smart. You've had so many people write wrong profiles on you, because you allow them to. You basically write it for them. You know if you say something or do something they'll put you in a category. You don't want help. You want to be independent, even if that means being alone. You don't have any trust in any of us, or probably anyone." She says confidently. 

I'm shocked by her answer, because she's the closest anyone has ever got. My respect for her has grown from the moment I walked in. I guess we've finally found someone who is actually good at this job. 

I smile and stand. She seems confused when I shake her hand with a smile. "Myke, nice to finally meet someone who actually knows what the fuck they're going on about" 

She laughs loudly, and I sit back down with a small smile upon my lips. 

"Now I think I'm probably the furthest someone has ever got with you, how about I ask you a question, then you can ask me one until we're finished for the day?" She's smiling and I can tell she's proud that's she's probably the first to achieve something with me. 

"Okay" 

"Why are you okay with being alone?" She asks almost the question I couldn't answer Luke earlier. I don't want to answer, but somehow, it seems harder to answer to Luke than from her. I guess a part of me didn't want to say why I'm okay with being alone and not being noticed, because that part hoped Luke would be the one to change that. 

"I'd rather rely on myself than others. I'm okay with being by myself, I always have. Obviously, I still talk to a few people, but being alone isn't as bad as everyone says it is. It's peaceful." 

"I understand to an extent, but I hope you change your mind about that." She gives me a sympathetic look, and I agree with her. I do hope I change my mind, but so far, I don't have a reason to.

"Why did you become a therapist?"I ask because I've already been curious why someone would want to listen to someone's problems for a living.

"I want to save people's lives." She says simply, like saving lives is an easy thing to do, and a normal reason to do a job. 

"Why didn't you become a doctor then?" 

"Because, I believe in mental over physical, because doctors only prolong life, instead of curing and saving life itself. I'd rather have ten days of happiness, then ten years of sadness. That's why I wanted to become a therapist, because I wanted to save the life people are living before death takes its toll" 

For the first time, I've found someone who understands me, isn't experimenting on me, but actually wants to help me. 

-

My eyes cross as a rain drop hits the end of my nose. I tilt my head up to the almost black clouds filled with water to fall on us, but despite the dreadful weather, I'm smiling. 

I pull my hood over my head and reach in my pocket for my phone and pass for the bus. When I pull my phone out, the receipt from earlier falls on to the ground. I chase after it as it gets caught in the wind. I catch it quickly and sigh in relief, I'm not bothered about losing it, but I hate litter. My lungs fill with the cold air while I jump on the bus, show my pass and make my way to my usual seat at the bad. I look at my hand holding the receipt to see ink has smudged due to the rain onto my hand. I unravel the small piece of paper to see Luke's handwriting. 

Just in case you don't want to be alone 

The note says with his number below it. I roll my eyes and shake my head slightly at how persistent this boy is. My hand go back to crinkle the piece of paper again, but then Ashton repeats what he said earlier. 

"You can't spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you, and you have to start by not rejecting yourself. You don't deserve it. From now on, people can either accept you for who you are or they can fuck off!"

Maybe Ana and Ashton are right. I need to start letting people in, talking to new people, and changing my mind about being alone. 

My eyes scan his number, and his smudged handwriting. 

Fuck it! What could go wrong? 

I save Luke's number and open a text. 

A drink couldn't hurt...  
Myke


	4. Let Me Go

"If you love him, let me go"

The words echoed through my skull over and over again, while the pad of his thumb brushed back and forth across my cheek, but the tears still fell to the floor.


	5. Chapter 4

Luke and I continue texting till he tells me he'll pick me up tomorrow night at six to go for something to eat. I agree and put my phone back in my pocket.

A part of me wants to say can we just go for a drink instead because it would be for too long, and easier for me to excuse myself, but I need to at least talk to someone more than Ashton, and I can't help but like Luke. He seemed interested by me, like I'm some kind of mystery, but then that makes me want to get to know him.

I thank the bus driver, get off and walk from the bus stop to the house. By the time I get to my room, I've already took off my bra from underneath my shirt, grabbed two packets of crisps and took off my vans. I'm ready to have a nap because I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, and need to put on some sweats because these skinny jeans are so tight I'm worried the material will grow into my legs and I will never get them off again.

I'm ready to hug my pillow, but Caitlin practically pounces on me in the doorway; this is one of the reasons why I didn't want a friendship with her, because normally I'd come back, nap and she'd leave me alone, not anymore apparently.

"What the hell is this with you and Luke?" Her face is lit up, not sure with anger, surprise or happiness. 

"Nothing" I shrug, pulling open my draws and grabbing my comfiest pair of sweatpants.

"Don't give me that! Did you sleep with him?" She stands, forcing me to turn to face her.

"No! God, no! He just gave me a lift home! We're barely spoken!" I snap back. I'm rather annoyed that she even thought I'd do that. I don't agree or disagree with people having one night stands, but they aren't something I want to have. Trust me, I get horny like every other girl, but I can 'help' myself, and not have some random guy do it for me. Plus, that would require shaving.

"Fine, I believe you. It just looked weird when you left last night, Luke did shortly after and then Michael saw you both this morning" She sighs in relief. I'm confused by what she said about Michael, but then I remember Luke was going to Michael's after, and Michael was probably meeting him there.

"He just came in for a drink and didn't know I work at Starbucks. I didn't see Michael though. We only talked for five minutes" I say pulling off my jeans and replacing them with the comfy, soft material.

"It would have been longer if you weren't such a rude bitch" Ashton rolls his eyes with a slight seriousness to his voice, but also lighthearted, well, I don't think Ashton's voice is ever deadly serious. 

I go to scowl back to him, but quickly remember Caitlin is in the room.

"Oh right. Do you like them then? Calum said he's had texts from Luke about you all morning, and Michael said last night that he likes you. He think you're super funny" She says, repositioning on her bed.

"They're nice. Calum seems nice from what I've spoken to him. Michael's hilarious and I love his style. I've spoken to Luke the most, not by much, but he seems really nice and cool" I smile fondly, because so far, I have no bad word to say about any of them. I don't mention Dan because I don't think it is needed.

"That's great. We could do it again" She says, I just nod back, not mentioning that I trying not to involve myself. I know I sound stupid, but if I want a friendship with any of them, I'm not going to jump in fast.

I can tell she wants to continue the conversation, but she gets the hint when I keep groaning about my aching muscles and wrap myself in my blanket.

"I'll leave you to it. I'm going to my friend Lisa's house for a girly sleepover. I'll see ya tomorrow" She says, gathers her things and leaves with a quiet bye.

Even though I want to nap and have peace and quiet, I wanted her company for the night. A frown makes its way onto my face due to the empty room.

I tell myself nothing's changed, but I know it has. I've had a glimpse of what my life could be like. I could have friends, dance with a stranger, drink and not cry for a night. I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy last night, because I did.

"Don't push them away, Myke. Let them in. You've took one step forward, not take five back." Ashton says from in front of me, our noses only a centimetre apart. He's so close to me, but so far away from me at the same time.

-

My shift is over and I just want to sleep instead, but Luke's text reminds me about our dinner tonight.

Luke-I hope you like hot dogs ;)

I think he meant it as a cod word for his penis, then realise he probably meant the food....

"You look disappointed he meant the food!" Ashton laughs and I just roll my eyes. I may be a horny, rather dirty minded and sexual person, but I believe in food before sex.

I watch some TV for a few hours before grabbing my makeup bag and starting on my face while rewatching the first season of Orange Is The New Black. I decide on just a more natural look, just with all the products I have like foundation, bronzer, concealer, mascara, and blusher, just with neutral eyeshadow and a slightly tinted lip balm. I look in the mirror and decide I look okay.

I'm not trying to look amazing for Luke because it's only a dinner, but I don't want to look like I've just done a eight hour shift, barely slept and am on my period.

I already have some black skinny jeans on, so I decide to keep them on and search through my shirts for something to wear. I barely have anything left because I'm procrastinating laundry. After searching, moaning, groaning and praying to God to use his power to fill my draws with clothes, I decide on denim shirt that is buttoned down the front and has sleeves that fold up to my elbows. It end up looking pretty good, so I'm happy that I now have another outfit to add for the events where I have to look decent. So by the time I'm dressed, my outfit consists of a denim shirt, black skinnies and red boots.

My hair is still in a bun on top of my head from work, so I pull it out causing my natural dead straight hair, not in a good straighten way, to have a slight wave that's been caused by the hair tie and grips. It's a little notty but if I brush it the slight wave will go, so obviously I decide not to brush it because it means effort and losing the only thing that makes me hair look at least decent.

I lay back on bed, grabbing my phone and scrolling through Twitter, waiting for the times to tick by.

17:45

Only fifteen minutes to go. I decide to go downstairs and not be rude by him having to wait for me to come down. Gerald and Tina are at their usual spot on the couch making out, while for once Will is out of his man cave and sat in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal despite the time of day; he doesn't drink or eat in his room incase he gets food on his billion computers and equipment.

"Hey" I say to Will, not even bothering to disturb the two practically fucking on the couch.

"Hey, you going out?" His eyebrows shot up when he scans my outfit. I guess I look like I've made an effort, surprisingly twice in one weekend. Will normally sees me in leggings, sweats or a onesie, depending on the weather, so I bet this is a surprise.

"Not really, just some dinner with a friend" I say back, I'm not sure what to call Luke, but I'm coming round to the idea of us being friends.

"Wait, when did you have friends?" His head tills back as he laughs, I laugh with him because I know he was joking, but it isn't a joke to me. I did have friends before Ashton but I guess they weren't good enough friends to stay when I was going through the tough period of losing him. I lost all trust, and I guess having no friends was a result of that.

"I'd like to say the same to you." I sarcastically say back. Me and Will have occasionally conversation because we have one thing in common, we've loners.

"Hey! I have friends!" He places his hand against his chest and tills his head with a pout.

"For one, anything with a screen doesn't count, and secondly, other gamers on the internet don't count unless you've had a conversation about something besides Call Of Duty" I smile and he playfully punches my shoulder.

"Wanna join me in another bowl of coco pops?" He asks after we both come down from our laughter.

I look at my watch and see it's only five minutes to six. "Sorry, he's gonna be here in a minute. Maybe another time?" I smile.

"They'll always be a spare bowl waiting for you!"

He's such a great guy and even though in the time I've been living here we've spoken at most once a week, from what I have, he's so sweet and I hope he does start making friends with someone who isn't behind a screen.

"You think that about Will, but why don't you think you should?" Ashton remarks. I roll my eyes at his question that I'm not going to even think about answering.

I look out of the window when I hear the stopping of a car across the road. It's the same car Luke dropped me off the other day so I presume it's him because I can't see through the almost black windows. I walk to the door and grab my leather jacket.

"Enjoy your date!" I hear Will shout from the kitchen. I snap round to see Gerald and Tina so shocked by what Will said that they've parted from each other to look at me.

"It isn't a date!" I snap back, glaring. He just laughs and stuffs another spoonful in his mouth. I ignore Gerald's and Tina's questioning facial expressions and open the door. Luke's just getting out of the car and closing the door, wearing a plain black short sleeved shirt, black skinnies and vans.

"Hey!" I shout. His head snaps around, a smile moves upon his lips. Slight disappointment appears because he's wearing sunglasses. He just has really nice eyes.

"I was going to come get you, but here, I'll open the door for you so I don't feel like a bad person" he says, walking round to the passenger side.

"This isn't a date Luke, it's only dinner so I'm okay getting my own door, but feel free, I like a gentleman" I laugh and he does. He opens the door with a slight bow as if he's some posh driver. I take a seat and let him close the door for me. I'm slightly worried he thinks this is a date, but if he continues showing signs, I'll just burp or fart so he knows this is a casual friendship, if that.

"You don't expect me to tip, do you?" I joke causing us both laugh. He starts up the car and pulls off the street.

"I hope you like rides" he states bluntly over the soft music in the car. From the journeys I've had with him, I'm rather impressed by his music taste.

"Yeah, just not anything that spins. Where are you taking me?"

"There's a fair that's just opened for the weekend. I was going to take you to Pizza Hut or some other restaurant, but you seem more like the girl to enjoy rides rather than sitting in a restaurant for an hour" His smile is all I'm looking at. I miss some of the words he said because he just is beautiful. He really is. How could someone be so beautiful?

Bless his genes!

I'd shag him until there was nothing left. Just a pair of sunglasses and a damp patch.

My eyes widen at the thought, quickly wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth. I guess I get horny when I'm on my period....Obviously I don't mean it. He is really beautiful, but no girls hormones can deny the need to create babies with him.

"Yeah, I really like them" I say softly, gulping at the saliva in my mouth. I seriously need to stop reading Fifty Shades Of Grey!

"You okay? You've gone really red" Luke questions, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

I hear Ashton's giggle from the back.

"Yeah, just a little hot" I say, fanning myself.

"I'll open the window" he says, pressing the button on his door. I look in the wing mirror to see Ashton almost peeing himself laughing, slapping his thighs and leaning forward. I give a slight chuckle. Luke notices, smiles but doesn't push on why I just laughed when 'nothing' was funny.

After we arrive, Luke tells me he's paying for the rides, but after a few, I give my money to the people letting us on them before he does, which then leads to him racing me to each ride to pay first, he wins most of the time from me having more timber to run with. I'm enjoying every minute and I can tell he is too with the huge grin that's constantly on his face.

"One more, then we'll go for something to eat" Luke says, grabbing my hand and leading me over to the biggest ride the fair has. Obviously with it being a traveling fair, there isn't many huge rides but they have the best rides like the dodgers, hook a duck and the ride where you go down in a sack.

I like the warmth of his hand, and I know I shouldn't. The skin is so smooth, and his fingers are so long that even a nun would have dirty thoughts! I can't help but want the hand to return to mine when he let go to pull the overhead things down to stop us from falling out of this huge claw.

"What's wrong?" Luke asks from peaking his head over the head thing to look at me.

"My tits can't breathe" I say truthfully, he probably could tell I'm uncomfortable by my biting my lip and trying to fake smile for him not to notice I'm in pain.

"Hey, can you loosen the thing, her boobs can't breathe!" Luke shouts over to the young teenager who'd pushed mine down. Luckily there is only another couple on the ride so I'm not too embarrassed, but they do laugh.

The boy walks over and says with a smirk, "I'm sorry she has big tits but she needs it tight otherwise she'll fall out" I want to slap the smirk of his face, and from the expression on Luke's face, I can tell he wants to do the same.

"I'm not wanting it moving a lot, just a little bit, otherwise I'm sueing you if I have inverted nipples when I get off this ride." I narrow my eyes, the couple are now laughing loudly. He nods his head and moves it a little bit so I can breathe. I nod telling him that's fine and he walks off grunting under his breath.

"Maybe after this ride I can check if you do have inverted nipples" Luke whispers from the side of me. I burst out laughing and slap his hand.

He catches my hand and entwines our fingers. "Just in case I die, I'm glad I spent my last moments with you Myke" his voice is rather serious, but by his cheeky grin, I know he's joking.

"Same" I laugh. He squeezes my hand as the ride starts to move. Though, part of me does agree with him, because out of everyone who I speak to, he seems to care, if this was my last moment, the most.

Two minutes of being thrown in the car, squeezing Luke's hand till I can actually feel each blood cell try to pump oxygen to his fingers, and praying to the panda god that I do survive, our feet hit the floor again.

"I think I just saw my house from up there" Luke laughs and leads me over to a burger hut. His hand is still in mine and his grip is still tight from us both squeezing the life out of each others. I go to pull my hand out of his but his grip won't budge.

Shit!

"Luke, I need to get in my bag" I say softly. I feel bad when he blushes and looks down at our entwined hands, probably forgetting he was still holding mine. He slowly lets go but places the same hand over the hand hold my bag. "I'll get these, I did ask you to come have dinner with me"

"Yeah but you got most of the rides" I say. I hate people paying for me so I'd rather me pay.

"But I want to say sorry for being rude the other day" he gives me a sad smile and I almost need reminding on what happened.

"Luke, I was overreacting! You did nothing wrong! You just wanted to get to know me and I was being a bitch!" I feel bad for the way I acted, especially since you can tell he still feels bad about it.

"Okay, let's just forget it, but only unless you let me get you something to eat" he gives me a cheeky pout and bats his eyelashes.

"Fine!" I give in, just like I did with this friendship. I really don't deserve to be here with him.


	6. Chapter 5

"You're ignoring him" Ashton states as we walk down the halls to my math class.

"No, I'm not" I shrug rolling my eyes.

"Then why did you just run away from him when we just saw him" he gives me 'that look'.

"He was talking to someone and I didn't want to interrupt" I say simply with a innocent smile.

"Then why have you barely responded to his texts?" His eyebrows are raised, telling me that he knows I've been ignoring Luke.

"I've been busy" I say like Ashton isn't always with me.

"Come on, Myke" he tilts his head, telling me to spill.

"Fine, I'm trying to just gradually get into this friendship, not jump head first. He's so nice and sweet, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for this kind of thing." I let my fake smile drop back into its normal frown.

"Ready for what? A friendship? Talking to someone besides your imaginary dead best friend?" His voice is still soft and his eyes still light because I've never seen him any other way, which just upsets me because it proves he isn't actually here. Even in his last days, he'd laugh, hold me and tell me he loved me with a smile still on his face, which meant my last memories of the real Ashton were happy, but it meant I got no warning.

"You know it's hard for me" I turn to him, my lips set in a deep frown. "Just disappear for a while, okay? I'm sick of you making me sad when I want you here to make me happy like you did before you went" I say, wiping a stray tear and push open the door to my math class.

"Only you can make me disappear"

"Maybe I will" I threaten.

"We both know you haven't got the strength to let me go, but I had to let you go"

Ashton's just a shell of my own thoughts and feelings. Only I can use him to build myself up, and then tear myself down just as worse.

-

I sit on the desk in the library, not even bothering to sit on a chair because no one cares enough to put up a fight with a child over a pair of footprints on a chair. My earphones blurt Fall Out Boy's newest album. I like that they're adding more of a pop sound but I don't think the album isn't half as good as the Save Rock And Roll album, as much as I love this one.

Ashton hasn't pushed his way through my thoughts since I finished class, though he did make a few comments about some other students 'acting' in my drama class. I don't like blocking him out, but I know that if I'm in 'I hate myself' mood, I'll use him to take it out on myself, because everything sounds worse coming out of someone else's mouth. I've learned over time that if I focus on the lyrics or the instruments of music, I can calm myself.

Music is where I'm calmest.

I always stay in the corner of the same table every day. I like the quietness despite having my music on full volume. I don't like it outside where it's loud with bitching, gossiping and screaming. Though I guess I would like it if I was involved in it.

I look around the library and nearly every table is taken. Each one filled with a different group. One full with nerds sharing notes and revising for a test that's happening next month. Another full of people copying the same sheet of homework for their next class. Then one with two couples, sharing each other's oxygen. Then there's only two other tables besides mine, one with five kids looking like me, misfits, listening to music and not speaking to each other. The last table, full of students that are actually using the library for what it's actually there for, reading.

Maybe, I was wrong about the reason loners read so much, maybe they actually want to escape reality for awhile, disappear into a different world.

I wish I could.

I look down at my watch to see it's my time I go get my dinner. I always get it when everyone's almost left the food hall so I don't have to be the awkward loner in the queue.

"Usual?" The sweet dinner lady asks, I nod with a smile. She hands over my usual ham sandwich, a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a bottle of water. I thank her, hand over my money and stuff my food into my bag, making my way to my psychology class.

I hum to the sound of Centuries in my ears, Patrick's voice making my ear drums tingle. I yelp when an hand grips hold of my arm, pulling me into the opposite direction I was walking in. I look at the owner of the hand, which happens to be Luke.

"Luke, let go of me!" I try to pull out of his grip, but it's even tighter then it was at the fair.

"Shhh! I just wanna talk!" He pulls me into the disabled toilets and goes to lock the door behind him.

"No no no no, no don't do that!" I shout, telling him to stop.

"What why? I just wanna talk Myke" he furrows his eyebrows, locking the door anyway.

"They'll find out that we were in here. Together." I say, looking at him like a frightened puppy. I really don't want the attention.

"And that's bad because?" He laughs at me like I've grown two heads.

"They'll think we're fuckin" I say like it's obvious that's what teenagers our age would think two people of the opposite gender do in a disabled toilet.

"Why would we fuck in a disabled toilet?" He laughs even harder looking around the small space.

"Because there's more room than a normal toilet! It even has those little handle things!" I point to two handles on the wall that are used to help people off the loo.

"You crack me up!" His laugh echoes and I have to join in because I know I sound stupid, but right at the same time!

"Oh yeah, why have you been ignoring me? You've barely responded to my texts, and I saw you run away me earlier" he mumbles the last part, his smile slowly dropping.

"Luke" I sigh. I go to continue but he cuts me off.

"I understand that you like to be alone, and trust me I like to be some times, but you can't always be alone. I need a friend who can make me happy and laugh as much as you do, and I know you need a friend to talk to, Myke" he looks down so if I rejected his friendship request, he wouldn't have to look at me.

"You don't know what I need" I defend myself. He doesn't know me and I don't like it when people think they do.

"No I don't, just forget I said that, I just really enjoy your company and I thought you enjoyed mine too" he frowns, still keeping his head tilted downwards but his eyes on me through his eyelashes.

I bring my fingers under his chin and tilt it upwards so he's looking directly at me. "Fine, but just don't push me. I'm sorry I'm a bitch most of the time, I'm just a bitch most of the time" his frown twitches and his arms open slowly.

Is he wanting to hug me?

Fuck what do I do?

I walk into his arms and feel his arms tighten around my waist. I grin into his chest, feeling a warmth spread through my chest. I haven't hugged anyone since Ashton, and it feels so great to have someone's arms around you, holding all my broken pieces together.

A knock snaps us from each other, separating us with wide eyes.

Fuck!

This means someone is going to know we're in here together. I smack my face with my palm and watch Luke chuckle slightly. "We can't stay in here all day" he says, unlocking the door.

Luke walks out slowly and I follow. My eyes hit Michael, Calum and Caitlin sniggering just outside the doorway. I look to my left and right to see a group of people watching us both, making stories about why both us of have existed the same toilet.

I bet they're all thinking how someone like me could even talk to someone like Luke.

All eyes drag up and down my body, stripping down my layers. I look up to Luke, his eyes on me too as if saying sorry.

In drama, you have to have attention on you. The audience have to be look at you and you're always been assessed on the way the audience perceives you, but you're pretending to be someone you're not. Whatever they think about you while you're up on that stage is about your character, so that attention never bothers me. I like it. I like the attention on me when I know that the bad or good thoughts are about the character I'm playing, but the cheers are for me.

Not now.

Every thought, every word that whispers through each of their ears, every laugh is about me.

I now know what it feels like to have all eyes on me, and it isn't a good feeling.

"Did you need to move her folds out the way to get inside of her?" Some lad shouts. Everyone laughs and before I know it, Calum and Michael are pouncing on the lad. Fists fly and I'm frozen in place, only my eyes moving and ears open to the insults throwing at my walls, causing some bricks to fall.

My arms works when a hand grasps my wrist which I respond by snapping it away. I look up to see Luke's sad eyes looking down at mine. He gently entwines our fingers and pushes people out of the way forcefully through the corridor. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion being so quickly at the same time.

"I'm so sorry" Luke repeats over and over again as people whisper while he practically drags me through the halls.

"Home" I make out through my loss of oxygen.

"I'll take you" he pulls open the door of the main building.

"No. I want to be alone" I say letting go of his hand.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have do that. I'm sorry, please let me take you back" he goes to touch my arm but I snap it back.

"No, you've done enough" I snap. I quickly turn away, practically running down the steps, not even listening to Luke's shouts. I walk and walk, letting my tears fall and once Luke's voice disappears, Ashton's begins.

"Everyone will forget about it by tomorrow" He repeats, trying to comfort me. The thing is, he knows I don't want attention of any kind, and he's the one who's pushed me to make friends, and now look what's happened.

I push the door open to my room, pulling off my hoodie because of my body temperature increasing.

"This wasn't Luke's fault" he says from behind me. I snap just by him saying that because I have never agreed more with something in my life, and I acted like it was.

"No, no it wasn't! It's all your fault Ashton! Everything is your fault! Everything!" I scream into his face, angry tears falling down my face.

"Don't take it out on me. This isn't my fault. I'm not even alive for fuck's sake!" He furrows in confusion why I'm putting everything that's gone wrong in my life on him.

"That's why everything is your fault! I was fine before you fucking killed yourself!" I scream, pulling at my roots.

"But I wasn't!" He shouts back, taking a step closer to me.

"Which I didn't know about! I thought we were perfect! You even had names for the four children we were going to have! You seemed so happy! You even took my virginity on your last night Ashton! Think about how that must have made me feel! Was I such a bad fuck?! I thought you loved me!" I step backwards, feeling my bed hit the back of my knees.

"I do love you!"

"Bullshit! You're not even real! Even if you were, you don't leave someone if you love them!" I never could leave Ashton for longer for a day, but he could leave me for the rest of my life.

"You know I did it for the best of us both" he says just like his letter. Fucking bullshit.

"We both know this didn't benefit me one bit! Look at me! I'm a mess! I'm freaking out because someone wants to be friend with me! That's fucked up! I've barely spoken to anyone in the last two years Ashton! You've fucked me up big time!" I scream, letting my knees fall to the ground.

Over this past week, anger towards Ashton has build up because Luke has made me realise how fucked up my life has became.

"I didn't mean to. This wasn't my intention." Soft tears fall down his cheeks but they don't belong to him.

"Well you did."

I've broken down in tears and don't even realise who arms are wrapped around me until Will's comforting words whisper in my ears. I grip hold of his shirt, letting his soft muscles rock me back and forth till my cheeks become dry but my tears still fall. At this moment, I don't care what mumbles out of my mouth, because even as his arms hold my broken pieces together, just like a vase, some pieces always stay permanently missing.


	7. Chapter 6

Will holds me till I'm too exhausted from sobbing that I end up falling asleep in his arms. I'm shocked when I wake again and it's already ten the next morning. I want to go back asleep because it's a Saturday so I have no reason to get up this early, but the whale noises that echo from my stomach from not even eating my lunch and sleeping through dinner force me to get up.

I throw my blanket off me and took a good five minutes just getting up. Caitlin isn't in her bed so I presume she's staying with Calum somewhere, probably looking after him because he did got hit pretty hard. I'm not annoyed that she isn't here to see if I'm okay because I wouldn't expect she would, we've barely spoken much so I don't expect her to care more for me than her boyfriend.

Plus he's physically hurt, which means he needs immediate care. People care more for a bruise than verbal abuse.

The college will be more bothered that there was a fight in their halls and who's fist flew first, not what was said beforehand.

A chill runs through my spine so I grab the blanket from the floor and wrap it around myself. I'm still in last nights clothes which means the holes in my jeans have became larger, but I'm not too bothered because I'd have felt worse if Will had seen me semi nude to put something more comfortable on.

I steal one Caitlin's tubs of Lucky Charms. She'll know I've stolen one but I don't have any fucks to give, especially about cereal. I'll just pay her back if she rants.

"Hey, you okay now?" I hear Will's voice from behind me. I cringe at the thought of last night and what words may or may not have came out of my mouth.

"Yeah, sorry for last night. You shouldn't have seen that" I glance at him but turn back to the fridge to pull out the milk.

"Hey, it's okay. Whatever it was seemed to have upset you a lot, and I wouldn't just have left you to cry." He gives me a sympathetic timid smile. I return it as reassurance I'm okay.

"Thank you. Let's forget about it, yeah?" My voice is short and even though I want to thank him endlessly and ask him what I said that he heard, but I don't have the energy, or want to know, because if I spoke about Ashton, I'll probably need a shovel to bury myself.

"Okay, you alone today?" He says even though I know he wants to question me but doesn't push it.

"Yeah" I want to say like always, but I don't want to increase the tension in the air.

"Well I'm having a friend over to play a few video games and you could join us for a while." He says smiling, grabbing his usual coco pops.

"I don't know, I'm pretty bad at video games" I state. Ashton could only play a few games because of his eyes, but the ones he could were super complicated.

"We're ordering pizza" he cheekily smiles, knowing my weakness.

"Where you ordering it from?" I raise an eyebrow, questioning.

"Dominos" he laughs.

"Call me in" I wink playfully, grabbing my Lucky Charms tub and decide to eat them in my bed so I can watch the new episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians that I taped yesterday. I hate crumbs but I'm in one of those 'I don't give a shit anymore' moods.

Will says he'll shout me down when his friend gets here. I nod with a mouthful of cereal and walk back up the stairs. I place the tub on Caitlin's makeup desk and quickly change into a pair of leggings and a long red flannel so the cereal doesn't go soggy. I grab the tub and remote and relax, ignoring Ashton's hazel eyes watching me, and complaining about Kourtney controlling Scott.

Some time later, I'm not sure by how much, but I'd watched a movie, a couple of episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and a few educational Buzzfeed videos, my name is called from the bottom of the stairs.

I don't really feel like getting up because I'm really comfy and I don't know what Will's friend is like and don't want to third wheel, but there's pizza being offered and if I want to leave, I won't need a lift from Will's room to mine.

Plus, it's not like I can make an excuse of being busy when I'm literally upstairs.

"I'm just going to the loo, I'll be down in a minute!" I shout down to him and he just responds with an okay. I practically run to the bathroom, taking my makeup bag with me. I pee while practicing slapping on foundation. Once I've finished making the toilet water yellow, I brush a coat of mascara across my lashes and bring my hair into a messy bun with my bangs down. I contemplate trying to do something else with my hair but it doesn't look too bad so I decide not to take it out. I quickly wash my hands and grimace at realising I've just ran my hands through my hair after using the loo. I push away the thought and brush my teeth for about fifteen seconds, just to freshen them up, and run down the stairs, nearly slipping on one of the carpet covered steps. I knock on Will's door and enter when I hear him say come in.

My heart stops and my eyes grow wide when I see Michael grabbing a controller from Will's desk. My eyes water from the sight of his eye which is a bit puffy and extremely black around the rim with a purple bruise almost taking up the full of the left side of his face.

"This is Myke, she lives here and Myke, this is Michael, he's my best mate who loves gaming just as much as me" Will says smiling, being oblivious to me staring at Michael with wide eyes and his concern expression. He seems like he doesn't even care for the state of his face, but more of my mental state.

"Yeah, I know Michael" My voice comes out in a choke. I've practically done that to Michael, and if Will wasn't here, I'd probably be begging Michael for his forgiveness.

"What? How? Is he that friend you went out with the other week?" Will's eyes match my wide ones and keeps turning back and forth between me and Michael.

"Luke was the one I went with, and Michael's in his band" I say and that seems to make Will even more shocked.

"I know Luke! So you're the girl he's been speaking about! Small world, huh?" he gasps and me and Michael both agree with a yeah. There's a little tension in the air but it quickly clear once Will asks us about ordering the pizza.

Pizza always brings people together.

"So what happened to your face? It's pretty messed up" Will says while Michael and Will, and I try, shooting in this game I don't know what it's called.

Where is that shovel I wanted earlier?

"This guy was really nasty to this girl and I flipped because she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. She's such a nice, smart and beautiful girl and I didn't want her to stand for that, so I got into a fight with the guy and Calum joined in because he felt the same" Michael says, giving me that look as if saying 'you don't need to say it's you'. I don't and stay quiet, just listening. The way he said it was so sincere that my eyes water again, because he was indirecting it all to me, but also making Will know exactly why he'd done it.

"That's so nice of you! Wow, my respect has increased a lot for you now!" Will says, patting Michael on the back, while keeping his eyes on the screen. I mouth thank him, he just smiles and mouths back 'it's okay'.

Will shouts at us both because he needs back up, we both jolt back into focus and continue. I can't keep it off my mind and am so thankful, especially that Michael said all those things, and Calum agreed for the same reasons, which is huge since they barely know me.

"So do you like this girl then?" Will blurts, making me almost choke.

Someone bring me that fuckin shovel!

Michael barely even flinching, and I have a feeling some else has asked the same question, because normally people don't get in fight barely at all for someone they like/love, never mind someone they barely know.

"I think she's an amazing lass who has an amazing personality, but no I don't like her as anything more than in a friendly way." He looks past Will and gives me a timid smile, hoping he's said the right thing.

"I don't think I'd even get in a fight over my Playstation, never mind a girl! Especially from the looks of that hit" Will laughs, gesturing to the bruise on his face.

Michael laughs just to sound polite because it sounds forced, but the next thing he says shocked me way more than it should.

"Actually, that wasn't from the guy! It was from Luke! Me and Calum we're just pulling ourselves away when Luke comes out of nowhere! He went mental! Me and Calum had to practically drag him off the guy, and Luke hit me and Calum while doing so, though it was worth it otherwise Luke would have gone down for murder!" Michael even seems shocked by his own words, glancing at me, making his face soften. I'm not sure what I look like, but right now, I feel like throwing up, crying and running upstairs before Michael says anything else.

"Wow! I wouldn't see that from Luke! He's so innocent! Wow, I just would never have expected that from anyone, probably Luke being the least! I'd expect me to do that more than Luke!" For the first time ever, Will's actually so shocked that he actually puts down his remote and turns to Michael, without even pausing the game causing us to almost instantly die.

"Is Luke okay?" I croak. From the way Michael spoke about the fight with the guy before Luke joined in, it was more of a couple of hits so I wasn't too worried about Calum because I feel like he can handle a few hits and seems to have a good support system, especially from Caitlin, but Luke, that's different. Plus, I've spent much more time with him and have grown to like him a lot, and him not being okay, because of me, would be the worst.

"I think so. The guy probably only got a hit in because Luke is a lot stronger than he looks. Luckily the college didn't call the police because the guy wasn't hurt enough to go to hospital and didn't want to get the police involved because of something to do with his criminal record. Luke didn't seem to care though. His parents were more than pissed though." Michael tries to reassure me but it doesn't work by too much; at least the police aren't involved.

"I bet yours were mad!" Will says, obviously knowing something about Michael's parents, and what they've got mad about before.

"Yeah, my mum was fuming but seemed more concerned about my face and the shirt I was wearing that got ruined! Though Calum's parents reacted the worst so I don't think I'll be seeing him at band rehearsals any time soon! Out of everyone, Caitlin was actually probably the worst! I swear she thought Calum was dying and all he had was a bust lip!" Michael rolls his eyes at Caitlin's behaviour, but I imagine she'd over exaggerate everything, though I don't blame her.

"I'm just going to get us some drinks. Beer?" I stand suddenly, surprising myself because I can barely think about anything, never mind actually forming a sentence and standing.

Will nods with a smile, but seems a little concerned when he read my face. Michael stands and says "I'll help you carry them" I go to tell him it's fine because I can carry three, but I know he wants to speak to me, something I'm not sure I want right now while I'm in shock, but I don't think I have the energy to tell him no.

I walk across the living room from Will's room and into the kitchen. I pull out the three beers out of the fridge and turn around to Michael stood less than a metre away with a concerned expression.

"Are you okay?" Michael asks and I almost want to laugh because I should be the one to ask. I know I need to say sorry and that I'm thankful but I don't know how to tell him in words that'll sound sincere. 

"Not really to be honest." I croak, feeling a lump form in the back of my throat.

"I'm sorry, you really didn't deserve any of that yesterday. If I could have hit every person in that school I would have done." He looks down at me with his huge sad eyes that hold so much concern that I feel even more guilty that he feels that way.

"No it didn't bother me much by what they said, it was more the attention that I didn't like. I'm extremely upset that you three got hurt and are in trouble at my expense, but I am thankful for you guys standing up for me. I just feel so bad. Just look at you. Does it hurt?" I say, bringing my palm to his other cheek, cupping it and lightly touching the scratch on his lip with my thumb.

"Just a little, but you have nothing to feel bad about." He says, timidly picking the corners of his lips upwards under my fingers.

"I do, and I feel really bad at how I shouted at Luke-I bet that's why he went 'mental'" I use Michael's word from earlier. Up close, his eye looks even worse, which makes tears quickly blur my vision and a couple fall.

"He's fine. Just text or call him. Come here" He opens his arms, pulling me into a hug and burying me into his hoodie covered chest. I quickly cry, not wanting Will to hear and also not to embarrass myself. His chin places on the top of my head, his palms flat across my back. I like the feeling, and my brain automatically compares the hug with Luke's and Ashton's.

I decide not to admit to myself who's I like the most.

"We should be heading back before Will comes out" My voice is muffled into the thick cotton. We both pull apart, he softly brushes away my tears with his thumbs, grabs the beers, smiles and walks off back in the direction of Will's room.

I wait till my eyes are no longer red and puffy, wipe the mascara stains and go back into Will's room, receiving a concerned Will, but I think he thinks I'm upset from his version of yesterday and Michael gives me a soft smile, patting the spot next to him. He asks me again if I'm okay, I nod and push all my negative thoughts away and enjoy the rest of the night, despite being horrific at gaming. Michael leaves around eleven, giving me a tight hug and telling me again to speak to Luke, and Will and I share few more drinks, laughing and joking about our embarrassing moments, but it was hard for me to say any without Ashton being in them.

By the time I actually make it into my bedroom, I'm rather drunk and the pillow welcomes me. I pick up my phone and notice three missed calls from Ashton's mum, seven texts and four calls from Luke. I choose not to read the texts or voicemails until I'm sober, which I'll be thankful for in the morning.

Sleep almost immediately takes over once I pull off my bra and hit the pillow again.

I'm not sure if I fall asleep with a frown or a smile on my face, but I do know I wasn't happy because for once, that evening, pizza didn't seem very appetising.


	8. Chapter 7

I groan loudly, rubbing my forehead with my palm. I really had made the worst mistake of drinking too much. I'm going to blame Will and Michael for that, but I distinctly remember being the person who kept suggesting having another. My phone beeps the third time in the time my alarm went off till I've sat up, so I reach over, grabbing the thing to find out who's being rather impatient.

I squint my eyes from my brightness being too high for seven in the morning.

Luke - Please reply x  
Myke I'm so sorry! xxxxxxxxx  
Please just reply even to tell me you're okay! Please! I'm so sorry! xxxx

And they're only the ones which appeared on my lock screen. I unlock my phone and don't even read the twenty one texts I've got from him because they all seem the same, pleading for me to reply, so I open a message and begin typing.

To Luke - I'm sorry I didn't reply, I was a little drunk yesterday and left my phone upstairs x Sorry I only got your messages this morning x Luke, I'm fine! I'm more worried about you after Michael told me what happened x I'm at work though today so I might not respond until I finish at five x

I warn him about me not replying, but I see the three dots appear almost instantly, showing that he's on his phone and will respond before I even get ready to go to work.

I feel bad about not answering because he seemed to be pretty worried, while I was getting drunk with his best friend and Will, who seems to know Luke as well.

My phone beeps again signalling he's replied.

Luke - It's okay x I was just worrying since you seemed upset x can I come see you at your break? I could do with a coffee to wake me up xx

I can't help but smile over the text when he says he wants to see me. I reply saying to come at eleven when I usually take my break, put my phone back on the side table and grab my uniform and toiletries to shower.

I notice the missed calls and voicemails from Ashton's mum but she doesn't leave any texts so it would mean listening to the voicemails, which I don't have enough time to listen to right now, so I make a mental reminder to listen to them later. Plus, she normally calls for a check up and to make sure I'm still in school and haven't dropped out and joined a circus.

I'm not joking! I really want to! Circuses always looked awesome but I'm scared of clowns so I chose school instead.

As soon as I enter the shop, I'm called over.

I think I might need a shovel on standby recently!

"I'm not impressed that you called saying you weren't coming in yesterday three hours after your shift started" Becca's voice is stern but I know behind her eyes she's only saying this because she has too. Plus, they'd never fire me because I'm the only person here who isn't someone just looking for a couple of months pay and actually does work.

"Sorry. I'd lost my voice and had to wait till it had came back enough to call in" I lie, though I really can't say 'I called because I was a huge bitch the night before, had a screaming match and when I woke up, going to work was the last thing on my mind'.

"It's fine, just make sure you don't do it again" she sighs, not even trying to tell me off, give me a punishment and ensure I don't do it again. She just walks past me, grabs her phone and goes in the back to check her boyfriend isn't cheating on her again.

I hate gossip, drama and confrontation, but when most of the staff and customers are girls who are into that type of thing, you can't help but hear some of the words they moan on about.

One being, Becca's boyfriend cheating on her at least ten times, which she knows about, and she's still with him, resorting to calling him every hour, having her friends check up on him as well as herself, and having the password to EVERYTHING.

That's what I don't get.

If a guy cheated on me, I don't think I could ever forgive him, because when you are with someone who you love the most out of everyone and see that person being the best out of every other person, you rather sleep or kiss that person over anyone else.

I see cheating as an unsatisfied relationship.

I think second chances only apply if someone cheated out of anger and slept with someone else to see if the person they're with is the best they could have, which would means they should stay together if that person is the best. But even that, doesn't seem worthy of a second chance, because they shouldn't have to sleep with someone else to know.

That's why whenever I hear her crying about him cheating on her again, I want to tell her to leave him, because he obviously isn't satisfied with what she's giving him, but someone else will.

That's why I find myself feeling like Ashton wasn't satisfied with me.

He didn't have many other friends, but they ones who were loved him a lot, so instead of having loads of 'friends', he had people who cared about him a lot. His family was always something I envied because they cared about him more than I have even seen a family do before. He had a perfect appearance and everyone who got to know him loved his personality, so he couldn't have hated any of those.

And then there was me.

He had all this things that I never saw flaws in, even till this day, but still, he wasn't satisfied enough to stay even alive.

Though maybe you have to be more than satisfied.

And maybe that's my problem, because nothing is better than okay.

"Myke!" I hear someone angrily shout.

"Huh?" I snap towards and look into her dark frustrated eyes that are probably thinking of ways to kill me.

"I've been shouting at you for five minutes! Customers are waiting!" She scolds. I want to shout back at her and tell her to fuck off because she could be serving instead of shouting at me and restocking the shelves the third time since I've been here, but I stay silent, just nodding and getting to it like I normally do.

A couple of hours later and I'm impatiently waiting for Luke to arrive so I can have my break. I would have taken it an hour back but they won't let me have my dinner break if I took one then and when Luke comes. It's been so busy since there's an annual food market that has stalls from food all around the world just round the corner, and despite there being loads of food, most of them seem to be coming in here.

I pass a business woman her coffee, which she doesn't thank me for and barely moves her eyes from her phone when she takes it. I think it's extremely rude that people don't say thank you, even if you've paid the person thousands to make you a cup of coffee, a thank you doesn't cost a penny.

I didn't have parents who brought me up teach me what's right from wrong, manners and being polite, but even I know how to act.

That's why I hate it when people say the reason parents beat their children is because their parents probably did, but shouldn't it work the other way round? Shouldn't you never touch your child ever because you know how it feel? Especially since you can't say they think it's normal because it's plastered everywhere that child abuse is wrong.

The bottom line is, I hate that people try making excuses to why people do bad things, but when someone does something good, for example, a member of One Direction donating money to charity, instantly means they are doing it for publicity.

"Myke! Yoo, hoo!" I snap my eyes upwards to see Luke laughing while waving his hand in front of my face.

"Hey, sorry I'm tired" I say and it's not a lie or the truth, I am tired from drinking a lot last night and going to bed late, but that isn't the reason why I just zoned out.

"Please can I have a milky coffee, one of those chocolate covered marshmallow stick things, and a chat on that table over there?" A timid smile appears upon my lips from Luke's smoothness.

"Coming right up!" I say, dramatically popping the p and flipping my hair while tapping his order in the till. He gives me his change and I grab his cup, pondering for a second on what I shall I write on it.

I tell Becca I'm taking my break and gather Luke's order, a hot chocolate and a marshmallow stick for myself.

"Breadstick! Hey, I'm slightly offended!" Luke laughs loudly when he reads my handwriting on the side of his cup. I laugh also because I know he's joking.

"I like breadsticks, and you remind me of one! Soz not Soz!" I laugh and I almost forget why he'd came in the first place until a patch of purple becomes visible when he tilts his head back from laughing and his glasses slightly move upwards.

"Luke, please take off your glasses" I say softly, both of our smiles decreasing rather rapidly. He objects by slightly shaking his head but gives in from my pleading expression.

My breath hitches at the sight of both of his eyes. They aren't as bad as Michael's, but it looks worst because both eyes have definitely been hit harshly. The right is slightly worst by being darker but the other seems to have taken up a larger space. Both aren't very puffy, but you can tell he's barely slept.

My mouth gaps slightly, my eyes slightly watering, but I try to blink them away so Luke doesn't see me cry.

"Michael told me he told you everything that happened, so I'm glad I don't have to explain, but I'm so sorry. You said it was a bad idea and I just made it worse, I'm so sorry" he says looking down. I see some customers looking at his face, which just makes me want to scream at them, mostly because they're judging Luke for them when it's my fault.

"Don't be. Not at all. It was my fault. I shouldn't have shouted at you because it wasn't your fault. I'm just glad you're okay, well besides your face" I give a forced chuckle because I hate it that me and Luke always seem to have these tense conversations.

"Thanks" his lips turn in a slight smirk, which makes me feel like I've achieved something.

"Now, we're going to move onto a different conversation because I'm worried if I keep frowning I'm going to get wrinkles" I say, patting Luke's knee. He smiles and then practically jolts when asking me if I like Game of Thrones.

"Is that even a question?!" I laugh, trying my hardest to act like my laughter tears aren't actually tears formed by looking at the hurt I've caused. He rambles on about Jon Snow and how they shouldn't have killed him off, while I nod when appropriate and agree when Ashton says "maybe having friends just isn't your thing anymore, because of me"

-

I'm exhausted and still have the hangover headache. I'm glad me and Luke patched everything up and we had a great conversation about my favourite TV show, despite my eyes never leaving the purple and black colour charts on his face.

Just when I'm getting excited over the thought of having a nap and realising I have enough money to order a pizza in my purse, even though I have one yesterday, Gerald and Tina turn to me almost as soon as I open the front door.

"We've just eaten the last things out the cupboards. It's your turn" Tina grunts like it's my fault that they smoke weed all the time so they're costly eating from cravings and there's nothing left in the house after a couple of days.

Plus, the only reason both of them are very thin is because they're constantly having sex and walking four miles each day to meet their other weed friends at the skatepark because they can't get on the bus after being banned for smashing a window. They think no one can notice that they're high all the time, but it's pretty obvious when Gerald wears a SnapBack with a giant weed leaf on it and Tina always wear the hoodie saying "smoke weed every day" while smoking a suspicious roll up.

I'd tell them how obvious it is but if they get arrested it's their fault and to put it bluntly, they deserve it. If you do a crime, you deserve the consequences.

I groan, grabbing the kitty purse that has everyone's money shares for food, the shopping list that everyone puts what they want, and quickly get changed in a hoodie and sweats. I don't care about my appearance right now because I feel like crap and I almost look unrecognisable in sweats, a hoodie, my hair in a messy bun and my makeup removed.

-

"You stalking me?" I laugh when seeing Luke putting two six packs of beer in his basket.

"Oh hey Myke!" His eyes almost shot out of his skull when he turns to me. I then become pretty self conscious when I remember my outfit. I guess I'm not as unrecognisable as I thought.

"You planning on getting pissed?" I say, pointing to the cans of beer he'd just put in his basket.

"Kinda. One of us always takes in turns to get some beer for band practice, wanna come?" He gives me a welcoming smile from the idea that seems to have arise.

"I dunno, I look dreadful and I still need to get the rest of the shopping for the house" I say sadly, not saying yes or not because I'm not sure which I want to say.

"I'm supposed to be meeting them in an hour so I can help you, which will be a lot quicker, I'll drop you off at the house and you can change, if you insist, because I think you look cute" he smiles while tugging on one of the laces of my hoodie.

"Wait how do you know I don't have a car with me?" I ask, raising an eyebrow because I don't recall telling him.

"Because for one, there's only two cars outside your house, Will's and Caitlin's and secondly, your bus pass is half hanging out of your pocket" he points and when I look down, he's right, and it has to be my face that's on show, which is a picture that was taken in one of those booth when I wasn't ready and I look like I haven't sleep and bathed for a week.

"Far enough Sherlock" I give him a smirk and tuck a long piece of my bangs behind my ear.

He reaches forward and snatches the shopping list out of my hand before I even realise when he's doing.

"I guess we need to go to the toiletries aisle next" he turns, already setting off in that direction without me even agreeing to tonight, then again, he knows my answer.

I'm pretty thankful that no tampons, condoms or sanitary towels are on the list.

-

Luke and I dropped off the food and left an angry Tina to pack it all away. I had quickly changed into the clothes I wore yesterday, the long flannel and leggings. I didn't have much time to look for any clothes and I need to do some laundry so I just spray them and quickly change, spraying a little dry shampoo and quickly slapping on some foundation and mascara so I look less dead.

I meet Luke back in the car and somehow, I don't feel exhausted now and actually am excited to hear then play because I'd only heard them play a couple of songs before I vomited.

"You didn't have dress up. I think I like you more I'm your cute hoodie and messy hair" Luke smiles cheekily and I don't take offence that I've just got changed and put a little effort in, only for Luke to prefer me looking like a sloth.

So I conclude that Luke is attracted to animals and that's why he's single because no one that beautiful can be single.

We spend the journey singing to the radio and I can't help but smile to myself at the sound of Luke belting some of the lyrics. His voice is beautiful and even though he's messing around, it still sounds incredible.

"Welcome to the Hemmings household" He smiles as he pulls into the drive of a rather large house. You can tell it's a rather new house but it still has that old more vintage feel. I love the modern style, especially the graffiti, but this house has that warmth that I don't think a modern house can achieve.

He leads me towards the door and doesn't even knock before opening the large white door. Frames fill the corridor full of pictures of Luke and his family. I giggle at a picture of Luke in a diaper on a beach trying to eat sand. I know it's him since his two older brothers are making a sand castle beside him; he'd spoken about the people in his immediate family before, which had made me wish I'd have a family like that.

Except, many families aren't like Ashton's or Luke's, and their children will never smile when speaking about them.

I know I won't.

"My parents are away for the weekend so only Jack is here. He normally lives away but my mum doesn't trust me to be left alone, mostly because they think Michael will con me into having a party here" he says, rolling his eyes, though I have a feeling Michael would do that.

We enter the kitchen and it's a nice calming yellow colour with white marble counters. It's warm and welcoming just like I imagined it to be.

Not that I've been thinking of these things. Don't get me wrong, I don't have many hobbies so I spend my time thinking, but Luke seems to always be warm and welcoming and I just imagine his family and house will be the same.

There's two doors once you get to the end of the kitchen, one I presume is to the garden and the second to where we're heading. He opens the one that isn't for the garden and leads me down some steps.

I'm slightly worried he's kidnapping me until I hear Calum's laughter.

"And here's where we practice banding" Luke says proudly when the basement is more visible. There's instruments all over the place, a few mics, some chairs and a red couch. It's nothing spectacular, but it's probably the coolest thing I've seen. It looks like a professional recording place with the red walls and black floor, but just by the jelly bean table with drinks and food on, you can tell it's not.

"It's pretty cool!" I say smiling and turning to Luke who's watching my reaction.

"We didn't have a permanent place to practice so after saving some money up from some gigs, we transformed my basement and got it soundproofed so my parents can sleep when we're practicing" We step off the last step and Michael and Calum turn noticing I'm here, Dan doesn't seem to have noticed because he's on the phone with someone called 'bae', which I think is translated to 'I don't know her name so I'm gunna called her a pet name'.

"That must have cost a bomb" I smile to them both and it looks like Michael's eye is slightly less purple despite only seeing him yesterday, and Calum looks fine with just a scratch on his eyebrow and lip.

"It did but we saved up a lot and I had to tutor a lot of my mum's students to get most of it" Luke says and it makes me realise I barely know anything about him, but every time we meet I can write a couple more pages of his autobiography.

"It's paid off though" I say and turn back from Luke to Michael and Calum. Michael gives me that welcoming and I'm happy to see you smile, where as Calum's is more weak and concerned.

"Hey, you okay?" Michael asks and I want to scream from how many times I've been asked that question in my life.

"I'm perfectly okay, besides looking at the state of you all. I'm very thankful for what you all did but let's just not talk about it. You all seem pretty sad every time it's brought up and I'd rather us all enjoy the rest of the night than talk about it. So go set up and I'll plop my big fat ass on that couch over there" I say with fake confidence. I'm sick of being treated like a fragile doll when it should be me making sure they're okay.

They all laugh and nod. I walk over to the couch and sit. Calum shouts at Dan to get off the phone and starts.

"Why did you bring her? If I'm going to play in front of some chick, at least have her be hot" Dan huffs, not even bothered that I'm sat here as a human with working ears. My smile slightly decreases, because of course, that hurts, but it definitely wasn't my first or last time.

Michael and Calum start shouting at him, and Luke starts walking over to me with angered eyes and a frown. I feel like the it deja vu from the other day. I pretend I hadn't heard him and Michael and Calum seem to be have believed me because both start arguing in hushed voices from the other side of the room.

"I'm really sorry. He's such a jerk and you really don't deserve that. This is the exact reason why we want to kick that arsehole out of the band" he sighs, running a hand through his hair. I can tell he feels bad and isn't fooled by me faking not hearing.

"It's fine Luke. Seriously. I'm used to it." I say without hesitation, because I am. I've always been a large girl from being a child and was never just a normal girl, and instead of changing that, I just got used to the hate and chose to ignore it and be who I am.

"You shouldn't be used to it though"


	9. Chapter 8

I groan at just the pain at opening my eyes. All I see is the back of a red couch, which makes me groan again.

Two nights running and I've just got completely smashed both nights, which for some people may be normal, but for me, it's a headache from hell.

I try to move, but my face is stuck to the leather. I use the rest of my energy to detach the skin of my left cheek from the sweaty couch. A sigh of relief escapes my lips when my cheek gains freedom with a loud pop.

"Shit!" I look down to see my flannel shirt's top three buttons have disappeared and my whole right bra covered breast is on complete show. I tame the shirt and look around to see if any of the others had seen my wardrobe malfunction.

No one is in sight.

I'm stuck in a basement alone, with a red cheek and a couple of buttons missing on my shirt.

I don't know where the rest of them are because I definitely drank way too much to not even remember laying on the couch.

Well from what I can, I remember Dan leaving because he got a booty call, the rest of them giving up on their own songs and playing Queen and Abba songs, opening a casket of beer, which I vaguely remember Luke's brother bringing to us, and well, the rest is a mystery.

I stand and try and force my shirt to look like some buttons aren't missing. I look around again for any sign of human life, but no, just scattered cans and three chairs stacked in a fort type of shape. The bar attached on the wall helps me massively by actually making it possible for me to make it up the stairs. The door opens into the kitchen to reveal Jack buttering a piece of toast.

"Hey, nice forehead" Jack chuckles, eyeing my forehead.

I look into the mental of the toaster to look at my reflection, and see a very beautifully drawn penis with 'by Michael' spread across my whole forehead.

"Thanks. Do you know where the others are because they left me in the basement?" I ask, with a small smile at Michael's immaturity.

"Upstairs, first door on the right, and if you need to clean your manhood, there's some strong soap under the sink in the bathroom" Jack smiles, shoving his piece of toast in his mouth and gesturing me on my way.

I make a stop at the bathroom and use the soap Jack recommended. My eyes have black mascara stains rimming them so I wipe away the marks and groan at the current state of my face. My face doesn't look good at all with no makeup and definitely not when I have huge dark circles taking up half my face.

There's nothing I can do so I just sigh, try to refresh my face with cold water and walk out to find Luke, Calum and Michael, if they haven't left.

"My head's killing like hell!" I hear Calum's voice groan from behind a door and two other moan "same!" I push open the door and each one of them look up at me, Michael laughing, Calum sniggering and Luke timidly smiling at my glaring expression.

"This morning, I've had my cheek stuck to your leather couch, lost three buttons of my shirt, woke up alone and had an awkward encounter with Jack with a giant knob on my forehead curtesy of Michael. What the fuck did you all drug me with to make me not remember anything after I sang Dancing Queen?" I place my hands on my hips and shoot them daggers while each one laughs loudly.

"Well, Dancing Queen lead to Don't Stop Believin', making a fort with chairs and you daring yourself to hump the couch, which ended up with you passing out just after the second thrust" Calum forces himself to say with a straight face, while the other two cling to each other so neither falls of the bed from laughing.

"Oh, well that's embarrassing" I say, looking down at my bare feet.

"I thought it was really funny, but sadly we didn't bring our phones out quick enough" Michael says, hand accidentally gripping hold of Luke's breast to steady himself.

"Ouch!" Luke practically screams at Michael, pushing him roughly off and rubbing his nipple. Michael falls on the floor with a thud and groans.

"Hey! That hurt!" Michael shouts at Luke with an annoyed expression while Luke's is in achievement and mine and Calum's is in amusement.

"Well so does my nipple!" Luke shouts back, pouting while looking down his shirt at his aerials.

"Well it's not like you need them! I need my arse to poop!" Michael snaps back, but his lips smirk slightly from his own comment.

"Maybe we should get up because this bed definitely isn't made for three men" Calum says, trying to stop this childish argument going on between the pair.

"Men" I scoff under my breath, laughing at how much they act like young children but are classed as adults.

"Hey! We're men!" Luke pouts, nudging Calum for back up.

"Yeah! We are men!" Calum presses his hand to his chest, acting offended that I scoffed.

"Do any of you even have any chest hair?" I say because even though it doesn't define whether you are a man or not, I want to tease them if they don't have any.

"No" Luke drags out, exaggerating a fake frown while looking under his shirt once again.

"Michael does though" Calum sticks out his bottom lip like a young child pouting for ice cream.

"Michael, do you want me to make you some breakfast, since you're a real man?" I wink, teasing the other two. Michael jolts up, putting his hand in mine and letting me drag him out of the room. Luke and Calum shout, trying to convince me they are men while me and Michael laugh while walking through the corridor.

"Come on Myke, we have public hair, isn't that enough?" Calum shouts, running down the hall to catch up with us both.

"Yeah!" Luke shouts, joining us.

"Okay, fine. You're men. Now who fancies a McDonalds?" I give in and ask them since I'm hungry and fancy some chicken nuggets.

They all practically scream yes and we start to get ready. Michael and Calum either have clothes already here or borrow Luke's because both appear again wearing different shirts, though I'm not sure whether they changed their jeans because they appear wearing black ones which they were wearing before, but may just be a new pair.

I ask Luke for a safety pin to hold my shirt together so I don't reveal myself to the whole of McDonalds. He says he'll get me one but offers for me to wear one of his shirts, which I decline and feel slightly guilty when he seems be disappointed that I declined his offer. He leaves the kitchen to go to his mums room to find her sewing box that holds some safety pins. I grab a glass and fill it full of water and force the liquid down despite me hating water because I think it tastes like metal.

The thing is, a huge part of me wanted to say 'yeah, that would be great' and accept one of his shirts, but I'd be too embarrassed if it didn't fit, and it most likely wouldn't.

All the time, I see on the internet that a girls' weakness is wearing boys' clothes, but you can't do that when you're my size. You can't fit in their clothes only unless they are rather big themselves because a small in men's might be a size twelve in womenswear, which isn't going to fit anywhere near on me. Half of my clothes are men's because they are easier to get hold of and are cheaper than plus size clothing, even though you still have to go to the back of the racks to find a size that fits.

Being my size isn't great, and yeah I could go on a diet, but I don't have enough self control, or a boyfriend to impress.

Then again, I never tried to make my body naked ready when I was with Ashton, because he never let me. Not in a mean way or anything, he just brought a pizza and his arms when I felt insecure and held me all night telling me he loved every flab roll and in his words 'loves something to grip hold of'. I always felt self conscious about telling him I felt bad about myself, but it kind of became a thing where I'd text him saying 'feeling fat' with a pizza emoji and he'd turn with half an hour later with my favourite pizza.

He really was perfect. I really miss those days.

"Here you are. There's a spare toothbrush under the sink in case of visitors and my mum's bag of toiletries incase you need hair stuff or whatever girls use" Luke says, handing me a safety pin. I walk back upstairs to the bathroom, use the toothbrush and open his mums bag under the sink. There's makeup, brushes and skincare products. I contemplate using the makeup to cover up my face, but it would look too obvious I've used her makeup, so I decide against, brush my hair and put it up in my usual messy bun. I clip the safety pin across my chest and go back downstairs to the others. They are all just chatting at the table in the kitchen, well actually on the table.

"Let's go"

We get to McDonalds and by the time we get there it's no longer breakfast, but I'm not bothered because I wanted chicken nuggets anyway. We all eat up pretty quick and I look at my watch knowing we should go.

"I've got to get back to the house. Can you drop me off? If you can't it's fine because I'll just get the bus" I ask, and make sure he doesn't feel pressured into taking me home, then again, I don't presume he'll have anywhere to be because we all should be in college.

I hate skipping school, and this is the only time I ever have, but by the time we'd have got into school after the time we got up, we'd be walking out.

"No it's okay, I'll drop you off. Plus I have one of Will's CDs I need to return" Luke says and Michael pipes up.

"Yeah, I'll text him and ask him if we can hang out at his because he's not at college today either" I go to ask why he isn't at college today but then remember him never being up in the mornings on Mondays so he must not have any classes on Mondays.

"I don't understand why I've never seen any of you before when you're pretty close with Will" I state because I've been wondering ever since Michael came to the house. I'd only seen Calum because of Caitlin and I knew I recognised Michael and Luke's faces, but from college, definitely not from being around the house. Plus, to be honest, Will always seemed to be a bit of a loner because I'd never seen him with anyone, and only saw him leave his room for food or college, so I'm pretty confused why all of a sudden these boys are everywhere.

"We don't go round often because of how small his room is and only really see him at school, or if we go round it's normally just one of us, or two but Calum normally ends upstairs with Caitlin. I've seen you a few times but we never properly crossed paths" Luke says slightly with a frown. I'm not sure why, but I feel like he's sad that I'd never really noticed him when he had me.

"Oh. Well I'm glad we've finally crossed paths. How's Caitlin, Calum?" I change the conversation because it's making me feel bad, especially as Luke's sad eyes still keep on mine as we all walk back to his car.

"Okay besides being a pain in the arse" Calum grumbles. My change of conversation obviously wasn't a good one.

"Why? You guys aren't on the rocks, are you?" I ask because they seemed so loved up, and I really don't want to be right about young relationships.

"She's just being super annoying. We've been going out so long that it's kinda losing that excitement. She's always bitchin' and she's been even more crazy since we got in that fight. She's always checking up on me and it's getting really frustrating" he moans, sitting in the back of the car. I go to sit in the back because it doesn't bother me where I sit, especially since I'm not used to cars and I know people prefer sitting in the front, but Michael gets in beside Calum so I sit in the passenger seat.

"She's only doing it because she cares" I say, defending Caitlin. I know it must get annoying when people are always pestering you, but she's only doing it because she loves Calum and doesn't like seeing him hurt.

"I know. I just need her to stop treating me like I'm a child" Calum says, I turn and see Michael patting him on the back.

"Well I'm not surprised, you said you don't have any chest hair" I joke, trying to pick up the mood. Thankfully, it does and everyone laughs, clearing the tension. Luke turns on the radio and I'm pretty surprised when each of them belts every lyric to Bang Bang, even Nicki's rap. I join in despite sounding horrendous compared to the three of them.

We arrive shortly and enter. Luckily they can take the couch because Tina and Gerald are either at college or getting stoned elsewhere.

"Hey Will" Luke says, opening the door with a small knock, and I'm thankful he's not wanking when we enter. Though, he's just sat in just his pj shorts!

Jesus Christ! How can someone who never leaves his bedroom having such a great body?! He must either wank a lot with his whole body, or moving your thumbs on controllers must be a good workout?!

"Myke, like what you're looking at?" Michael chuckles at my gapping expression. Will blushes a little and walks over to his wardrobe to pull out a shirt.

"Well duh! I have eyes!" I say, being pretty obvious that I enjoyed the view. I wasn't going to lie because even straight guys and lesbians would enjoy that view.

"I've got to go get in the bath, but I'll probably join you guys later" I say, finally dragging my eyes from Will. Don't get me wrong, I don't fancy him, but I'm just fascinated by how the human body works.

"Aww, see ya later" Luke says as I give a small wave and leave the small bedroom.

"Myke!" I hear Will shout just as I get to the bottom of the stairs. I stop and turn to face him. He jogs to me and stops just a metre in front of me.

"A woman came for you yesterday while you were out. She said she'd called about dinner and you hadn't answered your phone. She said it didn't matter but asked me to get you to call her" he says, scratching his left arm.

"Shit! Thanks, I'll call her now" I say and turn back towards the stairs. We both depart our ways and I grab my phone and call to hear her voicemails.

"Hey Myke, just wanted to call to say we're back from America after our trip and wanted to see how you are. Do you want to go dinner with us tomorrow for a catch up because we haven't seen you in ages? Hope you're doing well, bye"

"Hey Myke, just wanted to call to see if we're on for dinner tomorrow. Please call when you can, bye"

"Hey Myke, just wanted to call since you didn't answer yesterday so you must be busy. I'll come pick you up but if you're not in it's fine. Hope to see you soon"

Each message starts the same in her typical voicemails. I think it's sweet, especially since I always know it's her.

I feel guilty for not listening to the messages and for not going to dinner yesterday. I should have called back. I dial her number and I hear her voice almost straight away.

"Hey Myke" her voice is always happy, it's where Ashton got it from, it always makes me happy.

"Hey, sorry about yesterday. I was at work then stayed at my friends and didn't have time to call you back. I'm so sorry" I say sincerely.

"It's okay sweetie, I should have made sure you'd answered before I came for you. Well, we're free after Lauren and Harry have finished school, do you want to go to dinner then? At Four?" She asks saying four to give them time to change from their uniforms.

"That would be great" I excitedly say because I haven't seen them little over a month since they've been on holiday.

"Excellent! I'll pick you up and we'll go to that restaurant that's just opened since Lauren wants to go there because of something to do with Harry Styles. See ya then" She says and I laugh at how much she's obsessed with them. Though she's more into Ariana Grande at the moment.

"It sounds pretty good. I'll see ya then" We both says our goodbyes and end the call.

I look at my watch to see it's 2pm so I have two hours to get ready. Though I definitely need to get a long bath to get rid of the alcohol smell. I grab my bag and pull out my tablets. I pop a pill out and find one of my stored bottles of water. I down almost half the bottle then grab my toiletries to get a bath.

I'm shocked that I've barely thought of Ashton and not even been worried too much that it's got to two and I haven't taken my pills yet, which show Ashton as a side effect, not on purpose though. The pills are only supposed to decrease harsher, more extreme emotions, so I was more than shock when I was able to see Ashton half an hour after I was given them. My recovery was 'quick' because of them and I left the hospital not long after, which meant they keep supplying me them unless I go to see a therapist once a week.

I don't understand why or how I see him, but I don't want to know, because it seems more real when I don't know, it's like he's actually here.

I've been able to see Ashton just over a year, which means it become normal for him to be there, almost as if he never left. Of course, I know he isn't here and it isn't really him speaking, but he speaks and acts like him, so I sort of play along.

I dial the number for the hospital and almost immediately the receptionist answers, saying her name and department.

"It's Myke, I need to cancel my appointment because it's clashing with my dinner plans tonight" I say and don't need to even give my last name because of how many times they've heard my name. Plus, not many girls are called Myke.

"Okay, just give me a minute" she says and quickly after I hear muffling and mumbling on the other end.

"It's Ana Stevens here, Myke. I was looking forward to seeing you tonight so is there any chance you could reschedule, or see me after?" She says in a professional tone that's more for the people in the office than me. I ponder what to say, but I know if I don't go today she'll make me go later in the week. 

"I can't reschedule but I should be finished by seven" I say, but I'm pretty sure she finishes much earlier than that.

"No that's fine, I'll see you then Myke." She says cheerfully because I didn't tell her I couldn't for the rest of the night, which I probably should have done.

"See ya later. Bye" I say and she replies with the same. I end the call and sigh in annoyance. I really didn't want to go tonight, but I guess it saves going later in the week. At least once it's over, I won't have to go till next week.

I grab my toiletries and take a long deserved bath, taking as long as I can before getting out and starting on my makeup. I know which restaurant Anne was speaking about, and it's pretty fancy so I know I need to get dressed up.

I just start applying my foundation when my phone beeps from my side, decreasing the volume of music for a couple of seconds.

Luke - how was the bath? xx

I chuckle at Luke asking me what a silly question. It sounds flirty but I know Luke's only asking because he must have heard me exit the bathroom.

To Luke - Warm, wet and watery! I'm leaving in an hour and half but I'll try and get ready quick so I can join you guys for a bit xx

He replies almost immediately which shows he's probably bored with whatever they're up to.

Luke - okay babe x it's weird texting with you while you're upstairs haha x see ya when you're ready xx

I laugh at the message because he's only stairs away, and we're texting. We continue texting and I laugh so hard that I curse when I get eye shadow on my nose.

"I've never heard you laugh like that for so long" Ashton says, smiling and stopping me applying my makeup to think.

Maybe having friends isn't my thing, but I love having them.


	10. Chapter 9

I gather all my makeup which was scattered across my sheets; I'm a messy get readyer.

Readyer isn't actually a word but we're going to go with it.

I smile to myself and instantly start to regret wearing matte lipstick, which seems to be drying and making my lips tough. I grab my mirror and look at my lips, pouting like Kylie Jenner to decide whether to wipe it off. Then again, I look pretty darn hot!

Obviously, I'm like your typical overweight teenager, so of course, I don't think I look hot, because of insecurities and shit like that, but this is probably the hottest I'm ever going to look so I'm not going to be ashamed of that.

I open my wardrobe, which is actually a cardboard box that I made look like a wardrobe; I'd rather spend my money on stuff that goes inside of it, rather than its container.

My options are very limited because when I buy clothes, which is a lot, I don't buy fancy, more going out clothes when I never have anywhere to wear them to.

There's a black dress with a necklace type of thing around the collar.

A dress that is white with pink flowers on, which is way too girly for me.

And finally, a dress that the top is black and hangs on my shoulders. Just below the chest area, it goes into a deep red skirt.

I decide to go with the third dress because it was the one I stared at for the longest. Though, it would have looked nice with some red lipstick, but from the YouTube videos I've watched, red lipstick doesn't go with smokey eyes, and I've already applied the dark eyeshadow.

The last time I wore this was my last birthday with Ashton. It brings back happy memories, but maybe I shouldn't wear it. It's not like I don't have anything else to wear. I put it back on the hanger and into the wardrobe, and pull out the black necklace dress.

"Wear the other one" Ashton says, standing up next to me.

"But you know about that dress" I say softly. He knows exactly what happened on that day, my sixteenth birthday, and how special that dress is. It's like our dress.

"Then wear it with pride. I love the way you look in that dress, so beautiful and confident. If it was up to me, you'd wear it everyday" he says, standing just behind me, almost like I can't see him, but can feel his presence. I know he isn't actually here, but I can trick myself into thinking that.

I pick the dress back up again and smile at the memories that come with it. All memories are great, amazing, the best memories I have, it's just the memories that follow.

"Put it on" Ashton demands and I do as told. Despite everything, I blush when taking off my dressing gown, leaving me naked in an empty room, but in front of him. He brings his bottom lip between his teeth, and even though his cheeky grin and dimples disappear, I love this smile even more.

I love this Ashton, because only I have seen him like this, so vulnerable, despite it me being the only one naked.

When I've fastened my bra and got some short type panties on so I won't reveal myself in case the skirt of my dress flies up, I grab the dress, taking it off the hanger. I tug it on and smile down at it when it's all in place.

Ashton stands behind me while I look in the mirror. His hands hover over my waist, trailing his fingers over my stomach until they lock together across my middle. I look down at them and remember the same exact pose when Anne took a picture of us against their front door. I look up to his chin on my left shoulder, watching me smile at our memory.

"Don't cry, you're too beautiful to cry" he says the line he'd wrote on a page with tear stains in ink, showing that he never thought he was too beautiful to cry.

"You were too beautiful to die" My lips barely move to mould the words.

"Death can't just take the ugly" his lips mumble again my neck, but I don't feel his hot breath hit my skin, I don't feel my hairs standing on their end reaching out for him, because there's nothing to reach for anymore, only my heart can reach for him now, but one day you get too tired using all your energy to reach someone when they're running away.

"Death didn't take you, Ashton. You gave yourself to death, you took yourself away from me, death was just the horse you rode out of my life on"

I pull myself through his arms and grab my curling wand, grabbing my phone and turning the volume up to its loudest. I don't care if they can hear me downstairs but I don't want to hear my own thoughts, especially when they pour out of Ashton's mouth.

With a thick barrel curler, I curl my hair until long waves of my brown hair falls down my shoulders. I set it with hairspray and look under my bed for some shoes to wear. While bending down, I notice my legs need shaving, despite being in a bath for over half an hour, I haven't shaved an inch of hair, well besides my armpits. I pull out some black boots that have studs over the heels and pull out some black tights from my knicker draw. I pull them both on, struggling with the tights, and grab a little black clutch bag. I turn my music off, unplug my phone and stuff some money and lipstick in the bag. I have twenty minutes till she's here. I make it downstairs to all of them slowly looking up from the TV in the living room.

Michael smiles, pulling his plump lips in a happy smile. Calum's eyebrows shot up, as if wondering how I could go from what I looked like earlier to this. Will looks even more surprised than Calum with widened eyes and slightly parted lips.

And then there's Luke.

He stands unlike the others who stay seated. He practically runs to the bottom of the stairs, eyes dragging from my shoes to my eyes. His lips were parted in a gaping expression, but he wets them with the tip of his tongue then bring his bottom lip between his teeth, just like Ashton had done minutes before. His eyes are wide, slightly darker than the usual bright blue, but soften when I stop at step in front of him.

"I know I scrub up pretty well when I want to" My closed smile turns into a huge smile that takes up most of my face.

"You look beautiful" Luke's lips form but I'm not even sure whether I heard him properly.

"Thank you" I blush, looking down.

His fingers lock with mine, helping me down the last few steps in my heeled boots. I look over to the other three, Calum and Michael giggling and nudging each other, while Will keeps his eyes on me with an emotion in his eyes I can't understand.

"You look amazing Myke" Calum says and Michael and Will both agree with nods and similar complements.

"Okay guys, I know I look great but no need to make my head any bigger! I'm just going to get a drink" I say jokily, slowly, one by one, letting Luke's fingers go from mine. I go to the sink and grab a can of coke, knowing it will ruin my lipstick but I'll just touch it up after. I turn back to the others to see they've got back to how they were before, though Will quickly glances my way, our eyes lock but I look away to Luke, who's already smiling and looking at me. I smile back and walk back over to them, standing next to Luke since the space Luke left is too small to fit my bum.

"How's playing Call of Duty been?" I ask Luke because none of the others since interested.

"Good but it's got a little bit boring since I'm pretty bad and get everyone else killed" he whispers the part after good, but Michael hears and taps the back of Luke's leg.

"I'm glad you didn't have too much fun without me! I was starting to feel left out!" I laugh, swaying forwards, but quickly remember my dress is rather low cut and Luke's look down quickly, only to not be interested in my chest, but in my eyes.

"It would have been better if you would have been down here" he says and I immediately blush. I'm not normally like this in front of guys, and somehow I look like a giggly teenager.

Luke's eyes lock with mine, making me feel frozen in place. I don't know why I suddenly feel all gooey in front of him when this morning I was play fighting with him in McDonalds.

The beeping of my phone causing me to snap from Luke and pull my phone out of my bag.

Anne - We're outside x

I said a quick reply saying I'm on my way out. I'm surprised she didn't come to the door but this must mean I need to hurry up.

"I've got to go" I say. I almost miss Luke's open arms but quickly give him a tight hug and start my way towards the door.

"Bye guys!" I shout, turning the door handle.

"Have a fun date!" Michael shouts and something make me quickly object his assumption.

"It's not a date, just dinner with a friend!" I shout back and they all shout their goodbyes. I don't miss Luke's smile drop slightly at the word date.

I feel slightly guilty that I said 'dinner with a friend' when Anne, Lauren and Harry are much more than that. Technically they are just friends because we have no relations, but Anne used to joke about me being her daughter in law because she was pretty sure me and Ashton would marry, Lauren and Harry are like my brother and sister, but it will never be the same without Ashton. He was always the glue, without him everyone's slowly falling apart and there's no glue to fill the cracks that are being made.

I practically run to the car parked across the street in my heels. I open the back door since I know Lauren likes to sit in the front.

"Hey!" I shout cheerily, sitting in next to Harry. We all exchange happy greetings and I even get a high five from Harry.

"So, where we going Lauren?" I ask her since what her mother said on the phone earlier.

"Well, apparently Harry Styles went when they came here on tour! So I'm going to ask them if we can sit at the same table!" She practically shouts in excitement, me and Anne laugh and exchange crazed look and Harry rolls his eyes with a slight smirk.

We arrive shortly after, mostly due to Anne's fast driving. All of us are rather dress up, Harry being in skinny black jeans and a white buttoned up shirt, Lauren in a sunflower skater dress and Anne in a floaty blouse and dark jeans with heels.

"I love that dress Myke" Lauren walks behind her mum and brother with me while we walk to the door.

"Well if you gain a few stone, you can borrow it" I say, joking about my weight because it makes being unhealthy almost seem like a good thing.

I complement her on her dress since it's so bright and happy, just like her and her families personality. We make it inside and Lauren's disappointed when the waitress tells her Harry Styles hasn't eaten here.

"It's okay Lauren, I'll have eaten here and that's even better because I'm going to be famous one day" I say, pulling her into my side while she fake cries. Anne seems rather embarrassed by us, especially being in such a fancy place, but then again, she's used to us.

"Do you even have any talents to be famous?" Lauren laughs, looking up at me with her huge blue eyes that are the opposite of Ashton's, sadly but as still just as beautiful.

"You don't need a talent to be famous! Look at Kim Kardashian!" I laugh and she joins in. I do think Kim has a talent, but not a main one that normally gets you famous, but she's good at getting attention and businesses, which is why she's got where she's got today.

We take our seats and I look around because it seems practically empty with just a few tables with couples obviously on dates. Every chair is made of red leather and all the tables are circular. The lighting is hung low and the floor is a black carpet, which I think makes the place look like some vampire social club. Though, you can tell it's an expensive place.

The waitress hands us our menus and my eyes almost come out their sockets at the prices next to the food, and that's just the starters!

"Anne, are you sure you wanna pay for this? We can just leave and go to Pizza Hut" I whisper to her across the table, which makes Harry giggle beside him.

"Myke, it's okay. I'm treating everyone. Plus, I want to know what's going on in your life while we've been gone" she assures me the expense of the dinner is okay, but I still look over the cheapest things on the menu.

What's been going on in my life while they've been gone?

I actually had a proper conversation with my roommate of six months, saw a band play that now are my friends, got a therapist that actually seems to care, had a guy be mean when I was in a disabled toilet with my male friend, my friends got into a fight with the guy, I had a fight with Anne's dead son, got my cheek stuck to the couch, and actually made friends.

Yeah, maybe I won't tell her everything that's been going on in my life since they've been gone.

"I've actually made friends with some people" I say and she gasps dramatically. She's always been telling me to make friends, and I've always told her people are a waste of time, and I've made three friends (I'm not counting Caitlin since I still wouldn't class her as a friend.)

"Really? What they are they like and called?" She says smiling like I told her I got a A in all my exams.

"They're really nice, they're in a band together. Calum is my roommates boyfriend, that's how we met. Michael is crazy with hair that he's changed three times since I've known him, and Luke's really cool, he's really sweet and really awkward but in a good way" she places her hand on top of mine and squeezes.

She gets me to continue talking about them and I find myself rambling on about them, mostly Luke since I know him the most. They tell me how their holiday went and I'm gutted that I couldn't have gone because of college; they only got it off since neither are doing exams and Anne told the schools she'd tutor them and make them do a lot homework, which I'm not sure they did much of from the sounds of it.

The food comes and I'm just chewing on a very delicious piece of chicken when Anne decides to drop a bombshell.

"Myke, I know you won't like the idea, but we're thinking about selling the house" she says slowly, looking at me for my reaction.

"No! You can't do that! All of his stuff and memories are in there! You can't sell it!" My voice is shaky and slightly raised, causing some couples to glance over. Lauren stops eating to put his hand on my knee and squeezes it gently. Harry keeps his eyes on his food but frowns down at it, stabbing it like his pasta took Ashton from him.

"Myke, I know but the bad memories are in there too. It's hard for us and that holiday has made me think a lot about it, we need to move on. We all need to let him go Myke, it unhealthy for us to go on like this" her voice is cracking; I know she wants to cry but refuses to break down in front of us. We all seem like we're on the verge of tears.

"You can't like go of him!" My voice raises higher and she shhs me slightly to stop us, me, from creating a scene.

"I'm not letting go of my son. He's still going to be with us, but not the bad memories. I can't keep walking past his empty room Myke" she says, looking down and blinking rapidly to push away the tears.

"Are you two okay with this?" I turn to the other two, who slowly nod.

It doesn't matter what I say either way, they've made up their minds. I may not live there, but that house is where mine and Ashton's first everything took place. The house I live in isn't my home, his bedroom is. I belong in his sheets, with my head on his chest while he rambled on about some show we were watching. I belong in the chair at his desk, where I'd do my schoolwork while he'd tease me and kiss my neck until I'd join him in his bed. I belong in his arms, in his bed, in his house, and they're taking where I belong away from me.

"This is why you took us out, isn't it? That's you needed me to come out so you could tell me before you sold it" I say, placing my fork down because I'm no longer hungry.

"I'm sorry, Myke" giving me my answer to my question.

That line, that one I've heard so many times, as if everyone is sorry for everything that has happened because of Ashton. "I'm sorry, Myke" was all I heard at his funeral, and even now, I get that line. It isn't Anne fault she can't walk around her house the same, it's Ashton's because if he was here, the house wouldn't mean so much to all of us.

"It isn't your fault. I don't want you to sell the house, but it isn't my choice. Let's just forget about it and carry on having a nice evening" I say, forcing a timid smile for myself rather than for them, because the selfish part of me wants them to not sell the house because of how I feel about it, but I know that selfish part isn't large enough to let them do that.

"Okay, but Myke, you will always be involved in everything we do, you're a part of our family" she smiles up to me me, squeezing my hand tightly once more before letting go.

But I'm not.

Everyone's face has a frown on it, which makes myself to fake a large smile and ask Harry about his football training. Tension begins to clear, but never completely. Anne tells us about a woman at her work where she'd bought a dog but thought it was a cat till it barked. We all laughed and acted like the conversation before never happened, especially when the desserts come.

"I miss them" Ashton says, leaning his head against the window of the car.

They miss you too.

Anne drops me off outside the hospital, gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Lauren tells me to text her when I'm free so we can go have a shopping spree, and Harry makes me promise I'll come see his football practice. I shout my goodbyes, and they drive off once again.

I remember the first time Anne had dropped me off here. I was completely smashed, screaming for Ashton and had tried to match his cuts on my arms. I'd never seen her look so weak and Lauren and Harry looked so scared. That was probably the lowest moment of my life. She'd checked me in and told me that she couldn't save her son, but there was no way in hell that she'd lose her daughter too.

I nod to the receptionist and she forces a professional smile back. She looks pretty shocked by how I look since I normally come here dressed in sweats, a hoodie and mascara rimming my eyes, so this must be like looking at a complete different person.

"Mrs Stevens will see you now" she says, putting down the phone. I smirk to myself after the line sounds like the one off Fifty Shades of Grey.

I open the door to a smiling Ana, her hair falling around her shoulders instead of her usual bun and her clothes more casual, being just dark jeans and a casual blouse.

"You look very beautiful Myke" she says, taking in today's effort.

"You too. I like it when you don't look like a bossy, stuck up business woman" I smile back.

"I'll take that as a compliment. Take a seat" she gestures the chair and I sit, smoothing out my dress around my thighs.

"So what's the occasion?" She tries to make friendly conversation, but is a little taken back when I say, "just dinner with Ashton's family"

Then again, she should know I'm close to them since Anne comes in sometimes, not since I've had Ana though, and her signature is all over my medical records since I was only sixteen when she checked me in.

"Oh, that's nice that you're still close" she says and tries to get me to go more into detail about our relationship, but I just nod, silently telling her not to push the subject.

She catches on quickly and leads me onto a conversation about talking to people and making friends, since she caught on quickly that I'm not a people person.

"I met someone, not that long ago, and he's nice" I say, giving her what she wants.

"What's he called?" She asks, smirking a little.

"How do you know it's a boy?" My eyes widen and I cock an eyebrow.

"Because you said that like you were worried, you said you met someone like you were worried he'd replaces Ashton" she says confidently.

I really hate therapists!

They think they know everything just because they've read a few books on crazy people like me.

"Luke. His name is Luke." I was going to come up with a fake name but I could only think of girl names and Lucas in a short space of time, but Ana would know I was lying anyway. Plus, I'd slip up pretty quick and say his real name.

"What's he like?" She asks a question that I'm not sure I want to answer.

"Funny, caring, super friendly. I like that he always seems to listen to what I say and be interested in me, but I can't let things get too far" I mumble the last bit, but she hears me loud and clear in this small room.

"Why?"

"I don't want to say" I state, but I know she's going to push this one.

"Please Myke."

"Because I don't want him to leave like Ashton did" I say reluctantly. I look down and instantly wish the words would go back in through my mouth.

"He won't leave like that Myke" her voice cracks as she tries to reassure me.

"No, I don't mean it that way. Him choosing to leave because of me is worse than leaving because of everything including me" I say, blinking rapidly. I don't say these words out loud, ever.

"So you think Ashton leaving was your fault" she questions, but doesn't say 'kill himself' and uses the word I used for his departure from my life.

"No, I mean, of course I had a part in it. I know his life was tough, and I know he loved me, but if I was good enough, I'd be enough for him to have stayed"

"Maybe you were all he'd got and he knew he had to let you go because he was a burden. Maybe he left because he was dragging you down. Maybe he saw that he couldn't continue using you for support" she plants ideas in my head to try and make me feel better, but she didn't know Ashton. No one did. Not like I did.

"Or maybe he wanted to torture me for the rest of my life because I can't let him go because he knows that he's all I have! It was supposed to be us against the world! It was supposed to be us travelling the world together! It wasn't supposed to be like this!" I snap, sadness turning to anger rapidly.

"Do you blame him?"

"What sort of question is that? I say yes, and I'm selfish. That I blame him for killing himself. That I blame him for ruining my life, and that I blame him for the fact I can't let go. But if I say no, that means I have to take the blame! Because someone has to! Blaming a dead person is like using the fact they aren't here to take the blame to your advantage to feel better about yourself" I stand, grabbing my bag, ready to end this session now.

"One last question, why does someone have to take the blame?" She asks, standing with me at their her end of the desk.

"Because otherwise he didn't have a good enough reason to leave me"

I snob, tears quickly escape my eyes and down my cheeks. I ignore everyone's expressions when I practically run out of the hospital, not even caring about my appearance or heels. I jump on the bus and ignore the drivers 'are you okay?' question. My knees meet my chest even though I'm wearing a dress. I really don't care about anything besides my thoughts.

When the bus finally stops at the end of my street, I jump out as fast as I can and run into the house and am extremely thankful that no one is in the kitchen or living room when I enter. I hear Will's computer once I enter the house so I close the door quietly and walk into the kitchen. My knees crash to the floor and I reach and open the cupboard.

Rows of wine, liquor and beer come into sight and I go to reach one until I hear Ashton's words.

"Please don't Myke! If you do, I won't be able to speak to you!" He says, his eyes wide with an expression mirroring mine. If I drink enough, Ashton will wash from system and the only way he'll come back is if I become sober again and take my pills. If I drink enough, I'll be alone with my own thoughts, coming from my own lips and not his.

"That's what I want" I grip hold of a large vodka bottle and a wine bottle, ignoring Ashton's pleading words and drink my way into silence.


	11. Chapter 10

Friday.

It had been four days since I'd broke once again.

I've not been to college or work. Both are convinced I've been struck with the flu, even the teachers have been emailing work that I've missed. I haven't done any.

Everyone's been texting me, asking what's been going on, which I've just responded saying I'm ill. Luke offered coming round to cheer me up, but obviously I declined and told him I don't want him to catch 'it'. We've been texting but have mostly been me making up excuses why I haven't replied and him keep checking up on me. Even Will has been checking up on me, which has made it impossible to leave without him knowing.

Luckily, Caitlin is still babysitting Calum and hasn't been back, though she did text saying she will be back by Sunday at the latest. I've liked her being gone, since I can do as I please, but I have missed someone else's presence.

I feel guilty for doing what I'm doing, but I'm selfish. I don't want my sober thoughts. I want cloudy thoughts where the air feels thick and I lose as much self control as I can.

I want alcohol.

I've drained the cupboards and am awaiting my housemates to knock on my door with pitchforks when they realise how much is gone. Though with none in the house, I'm forced to leave in search for some.

Being Friday, the clubs are bursting at the seams, alcohol is flowing and the volume is turned to its loudest. So I decide a club is where I'm heading.

I dress in a black buttoned up shirt, black skinnes, and my usual heeled boots that haven't left the door since Monday. Normally I at least try to look presentable, well besides going to school and therapy, but today I just can't be arsed. Foundation and mascara is all I apply, and that's in the taxi. I figured if I looked like I was busy the driver wouldn't try to talk to me, which I know is rude but my mood will just dampen theirs if they had a conversation with me.

I thank him shortly and hand him my fare before jogging off inside. Luckily I have my fake ID since the bouncer asks for it. Just like it always does, they barely even read it before letting me past and into the club. Then again, most of the time, no one even noticed the fat girl or cares that I've entered, they just want me to get gone and to shorten the line. 

I instantly walk to the bar and order a couple of shots and a pint of beer. My head nods to the beat and tilts back to down the shots before sipping on the pint. I don't have anyone to hang with so I just sit and judge all the grinding bodies.

Many girls' clothing barely leave anything to the imagination, clinging to their every curve and fighting for attention from some guy. Groups of lads hang in groups, nodding at girls, winking and nudging each other to go speak to one that's caught their eye. Nothing about it seems romantic because from what I've seen, it's all about sexual attraction to their appearance, but then again, times have changed since you'd get someone's number from a friend, chat , go on a few dates, way before even thinking of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, never mind sleeping with them.

Nowadays, all guys think about is sleeping with a girl and bragging about how big their arse is. It's not pretty and upsets me since women started to get more equal values and have men not treat them as object, but now it's just about sex. We've gone from being a house ornaments to sex toys.

Though I'm glad guys finally have a negative word to describe a boy who likes to sleep around, a fuckboy, but then again, it seems like a lot of boys are starting to be proud to be called this, which is even worse since they're proud to just want sex.

We started to gain equality and now we're started to move further away from it.

"Can I buy you a another drink?" I look up to a lad just a little under a foot than me. His eyes are dark along with his skin and he actually doesn't seem to be looking for a one night stand like many boys in here.

"You're not looking to get laid are you?" I ask, smirking after I check to see that he's actually talking to me and not someone else.

"I probably wouldn't turn down an offer of getting laid, but not right now. You look pretty lonely and so am I, so I thought I'd talk to you so neither of us are no longer lonely" he says with his plump lips in a half smile, revealing dazzling straight white teeth.

"Take a seat" I pull the stool next to me out and let him take it. He orders two pints and I'm glad he wasn't one of those guys who order a girl a glass of wine because it's a 'women's drink'.

"So what brings you here alone?" He asks, leaning on the bar counter with his elbow while I sit with one hand on my lap and the other around the rim of my nearly empty glass.

"Needed a drink" I say simply, shortening the long version on why I'm here.

"Me too. I guess it's better sitting alone in a bar than at home by yourself." He says and I nod agreeing to his opinion. Despite me loving to be alone in my blankets, sipping on a can of soda or beer and watching TV, being out of that room was needed, otherwise if I didn't leave any sooner, I'm worried I never would have.

"I agree. Then again we're not so alone now." I timidly smile and decide to actually make a conversation since I prefer his company than no company.

"Are you a good listener? Are you good with advise?" He suddenly blurts after going silent for a few moments. I take a sip of my beer and nod at his question despite not knowing the actually answer.

"I'll give it a try. Plus maybe helping someone with their problems will help me with mine" I say truthfully, even though he's a stranger. I can tell he's not hitting on me but just wanting someone to talk to by the way he's not complimented me or responded any way with any change of body language.

"Do you think people can ever get over someone?" He asks and I almost laugh at the fact he's asked that question to me out of EVERYONE.

"Depends. Who are you trying to get over?" I ask since I'm almost hundred percent sure he's not in the same situation as me, because if he was, the answer to his question might be a lot different.

"My ex. She left me for my brother." He states and I chock on my drink.

I'm seriously losing faith in humanity. Even most animals are faithful to their mates. Look at penguins and lions!

"I don't use the word often but she sounds like a right bitch! Well, and so does your brother!" I exclaim. I don't like using the word bitch since I don't like branding a person with a stereotype name, but running off with your fella's brother, it's pretty harsh.

"I know right!" He chuckles a little but I think he's trying to make light of his soap opera of a life. "It's just, no matter how much I hate what she's done to me, I can't hate her. Which means I still love her and I don't want to because I can't move on" he sighs and gulps down a good half of his pint.

"There's nothing wrong with loving her, but you will fall out of love with her. Overtime you'll start to get over her, I don't mean stop loving her because there will always be a part of you that will love her, but you'll find someone to fall in love with. You're too young to give up yet" I say, telling him what he wants to hear. Despite him being older than me, I've started giving up on ever finding someone, because I can't get over Ashton. I don't believe a single word I said because I don't believe I will ever fall out of love with Ashton, because I will always be in love with him. I never thought soul mates existed, but if they did, we would be.

"Thank you. I just wish I would stop comparing everything to her." He frowns while looking down at his hand shakily I holding his pint glass that only has beer foam in the bottom.

"But then you'll find someone that when you compare them to her, they'll win" I say, placing my hand on his for reassurance that everything gets better. He looks up and his eyes go from mine to my lips. I don't think much of it till his lips roughly press against mine, almost pushing me off my stool.

His lips seems so foreign against mine, I freeze against them but respond quickly after, moving against them despite the feeling not being the one I want or am used to.

His lips are much plumper than Ashton, they move in a faster pace than Ashton since Ashton always kissed slowly with more passion, well unless he was really horny.

His large palm places on my thigh to deepen the kiss by moving himself closer to me. His palm definitely isn't as large as Ashton's, even though it is still much larger than mine, but when Ashton used to place his hand on my thigh, he used to spread his fingers so it would take up my whole thigh despite how large they are.

Our kiss is closed mouthed but I can still taste the beer on his lips as they mould with mine. He runs his thumb along my cheekbone, unlike Ashton who'd trace his rough pad along my jawline.

Everything was so much different from Ashton, he wasn't bad, but he wasn't him. No matter how good his lips would mould with mine, the kiss wasn't as good as Ashton. These were the first lips that had been pressed against mine since Ashton, and besides Ashton, and even though I wanted Ashton to be the only person to have touched them, it felt nice for someone to be intimate with me, even for only a couple of minutes.

He slowly disconnects our lips and leans his forehead against mine. We both pant breathlessly and both close mouth smile at each other.

"Thank you" he says again before pressing a lingering kiss to my lips and disconnecting us altogether. He grabs his jacket, which I didn't know he'd taken off, leaves money on the counter, enough for at least four more rounds and leaves. He leaves me sat on the stool and then that's it, I'm back to how I was before with a pint of beer and a empty stool beside me.

Everything seemed to have happened so quick, but I don't regret it. I don't regret letting him kiss me because it wouldn't change that Ashton's lips had been on mine, but it would change my actions from now on.

I decide this will be the last night I'm doing this, get drunk to forget, and sort my life out. I don't want to go to how I was before, I just want to stop punishing myself and stop being selfish.

Starting off with letting Anne sell the house.

Though first, I'm going to drink until I get so drunk that Advil won't cure my headache, so hopefully I will put myself off from ever doing this ever again. Plus, if I'm going to allow Ashton back, I've got to give alcohol up. Though I will still drink on the occasion.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I do like to use alcohol to distract my mind from all of my thoughts. Obviously it doesn't work completely, but it's not as painful as being sober.

I'd used alcohol the same way when Ashton past, but I took that to the extreme.

I order drink after drink and even get up and dance for a bit, making tonight count. My mind becomes cloudy, I love that feeling, which leads me wanting more.

I walk back over to the bar and take a seat on the same stool I'd been sat on minutes before. I shout over the bartender and ask for another pint.

"No I'm cutting you off. Go home sweetheart." He says with this cocky attitude. I go to say he'll be losing my money but a pint of beer won't be anything on his pay check.

"I'm not even drunk!" I slap my hand against the counter to catch his attention.

"Yes you are, really drunk" he says, waving his hand to tell me he's finished with our conversation and leaves to get two girls their drinks. I groan loudly and curse under my breath. I look at the pint glass that only has a couple mouthfuls of beers left.

"Myke?" I hear a voice shout my name. I turn slowly round to see Luke with a smile on his face but also a confused expression.

"Luke!" I stand from my stool and walk over to him, legs shaking a little from the alcohol hitting them.

"A little drunk I see" he laughs while supporting me by putting an arm around my waist to stop my from falling to jelly, especially in these heels.

I seriously need to stop wearing these when I'm either running or getting plastered!

"What you doing here? I thought you were ill" he asks, looking down at me with his slightly glossy eyes. He doesn't seem to be drunk, just a little tipsy.

"All better now. Wanted a drunk" I say, giggling, which then led to a burp.

"Wanted a drunk?" He laughs down at me and I just giggle even more loudly, placing a hand over my mouth incase the next burp is liquid.

I just nod up at him, wrapping both arms around his waist and he rolls his eyes down at me with a fond expression.

"I think you need to go home" he laughs and doesn't give me the option before grabbing my purse for me and directing me out of the bar.

"Why you here Luke? You should be at home studying like the goody two shoes you are" I ask and even though I don't think he's a goody two shoes, I do think he's the type of person never to be late or be told off often.

"It's my brothers birthday" he says and quickly gets his phone out. He texts someone then puts it back in his pocket.

"Aww, did I stop the party?" I pout, walking in small steps around the corner from the bar. I don't know where Luke's taking me but I don't really care unless I'm with him. I feel safe with his arms around me, mostly because I'm pretty sure he's not a murderer or a rapist.

"No, I was leaving anyway" he rubs my back when I cough a little and pulls me into his side when a night chill hits us.

"I want to go to a park" I say like a young child. When I was younger, my foster parents never used to take us out often because there were so many of us, and when I was old enough to go by myself, I'd be at Ashton's, playing in his garden since it was better than a park. I've not been to parks that often in my life, and I want to.

"At two in the morning?" He laughs but then looks down at my face and sees I'm completely serious. "Okay, but we can't stay for long" he gives in and crosses the road in a opposite direction to take me to a park.

We walk for around twenty minutes until we get to a field with a swing set, a slide, a small roundabout and a climbing frame that looks a little like a tractor. The metal is rusty but I like it better than the new parks because this park shows there have been memories made here and has character.

I run to the swings and almost trip but gain balance before sitting on the swing and immediately pushing myself off the ground. I pull my heeled boots off in midair and throw them in a unknown directions. Luke laughs at me the whole time but keeps this fond expression plastered on his face.

We practically chase each other around the small park like little children and lose every care we have in the world. I spin Luke around on the roundabout, which is much harder than it sounds. Luke quickly goes a greeny colour and I almost gag just from him spinning. He screams for me to stop but I just run to the slide and watch him from the top.

The roundabout slows and he finally stands to get off but his long legs wobble while he tries to gain balance. He ends up placing both palms on the ground until he finally has control over his body and looks up at me, glaring. I laugh loudly, but scream when he starts running in large strides to climb up the slide to catch me. When he gets almost the full way up the steps, I slide down and run, grabbing my two boots, that were in two opposite directions, and run into the field.

He quickly catches up to me and tackles me to the ground like some fifty tonne rugby player. We both fall and lay on our back, panting.

"This grass is wet" Luke states, laughing slightly but doesn't move. We both just lay there in the damp grass and look up to the sky.

We both look like some cliché film, but we're far from it. We both have more problems than a maths textbook. We both are laid in the field, drunk and are looking up at the sky, which isn't even that pretty since there still must be clouds because only a few stars can be seen, and the moon must be behind us because I can't see it. But somehow, it's peaceful and I don't want to move.

I look sideward to Luke and he's smiling, but somehow a frown makes onto my face.

I frown because I'm sat here being happy when everything should be tearing me apart. Monday was incredibly shit after finding out Anne is selling the house and confessing so much to Ana, and blocking Ashton out. I also kiss someone, and I'm sat here acting like some normal drunk teenager.

It's like I have to punish myself and make myself feel sad when I'm happy because I deserve to be sad. I need to stop forcing myself to push happiness away.

"Not had a good day?" Luke asks, turning to face me. Our heads are level which is definitely a change from him normally being a foot taller than me. I knew he could tell I'm sad, despite what I've been like while he's been with me.

"No, not really" I state, even though today hasn't been the worse.

"Every day may not be good. But there is something good in every day." He goes silent then blurts the sentences in a serious tone.

"Did you find that on Tumblr?" I laugh slightly at his perfect saying.

"No. I know it's going to sound super stupid...No, forget it" he shakes his head a little. I know I'm still a little drunk, but I want to know what he was going to say.

"Tell me"

"Okay." He takes a deep breath and turns fully to look at me, both of us laying on our sides.

"When I was sat by myself in the music room. My life felt worthless. I hated how everyone around me seemed to be happy and I wasn't, and no one cared enough to notice, but then this boy sat next to me and asked me the same question. I responded with the same and he responded with the same quote. I know it sounds stupid, but everyday I've pointed out the good things in every day since, despite how bad I've felt" he says with his deep sincerity in his voice that increases my respect for him massively.

"It's not stupid. I think it's a great thing to do."

"I just wish I could thank him, because beforehand, I'd only remember the bad and now I remember the good." He says, looking down and smiling. What that boy said must have impacted Luke a lot. His features lighten up as he reminisces.

"You should" I push him since I bet that boy would love to hear on how he's affected Luke.

"I would also like to thank him for meeting you" he mumbles, looking back up to me.

"Why?" I ask, confused since we didn't meet through a boy with Tumblr quotes.

"Because I can only see the good in you, and that's why I'm so interested, because when I met you, I could say it had been a good day without looking for the good"

My eyes become glazed, not just from the alcohol, but from Luke's words. Even though I've pushed him away, lied and kept almost everything from him, which I know he can tell that's what I've been doing, he's still here. He cares so much for me that it shocks me beyond belief, because I'm just not that sort of people to get this type of attention.

I'm the extra in a film that walks along with the crowd, never being noticed, and Luke's the main character with the spotlight shinning on him. We aren't supposed to cross paths, but that's the thing, it was Luke who's been following me round like I'm the main character, and I can't say I don't like that. I like feeling wanted. I really hope that I remember his every word tomorrow.

My small frown instantly turns into a smile at his words, responding to words without opening my mouth. We both just look into each other's eyes, not speaking, just enjoying each other's company, and that's what made the night even more special because we didn't need anything to fill the silence to find it enjoyable, we just need each other.

Luke's phone beeps causing him to break his stare and pull his phone out. He answers it and the person on the other end speaks then Luke replies with "I'm just staying with a friend." The other person speaks again and Luke replies with "not like that Jack! Fine, I'll sleep in the car." His mood seems to have deflated from the conversation but puts the phone down and turns to me with a smile.

"You're sleeping in your car?" I question what he's just said on the phone.

"I'll have to. Jack was supposed to go back with me since he had the money cos my mum didn't want me getting too drunk. They've just left the bar" he says and I automatically feel guilt since he said we had to be quick at the park and I've made him stay for at least an hour.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have took you here." I say, getting up from the ground and standing.

"No Myke, it's okay. I'll just sleep in the car for a couple of hours until I'm completely sober. This isn't my first time sleeping in my car because I drank a little too much" he stands much more quickly than I did and places both hands on my shoulders.

"Not your first time huh? Do you do this often?" I smirk, which definitely shows there is still alcohol in my system because otherwise I'd still be feeling super guilty for making him stay with me.

"I've only done it after we've played a gig and I've drank too much. I'm not that naughty Myke" he chuckles and we both grab our things and begin on our way back. I'm not sure where his car is parked but I presume it's pretty close to the bar.

"Have you guys been a band for a long time?" I ask, linking arms with him. We both begin skipping like I'm Dorothy and he's the scarecrow off Wizard of Oz.

"About four years now. We've broke up a couple of time because we don't seem to be progressing much and our families think we should focus on school. I don't think we're going to last much longer if we don't move from that club to somewhere larger" he says looking down. I can tell the band means a lot, many bands would love to work in that club, but four years is too long to not expand from it when it's pretty low wage.

"You really like playing, don't you?"

"More than anything. It's just a struggle when every night is the same. Dan's a knob and the wage is shit. The owner keeps telling us we need to pick it up otherwise he's replacing us. It doesn't help my education either because I'm always trying to write new songs." Our skipping slows as his frown deepens. This must mean a lot to him, and he's trying so hard to help it, but you can only work so hard.

"I'll help" I promise to myself I will. I want to help him in some way, and it will be a good step to helping myself out.

"Help?" he asks confused at what 'help' entails.

"Posters. Social Media. I'll help somehow" I say and hope my promise will be remembered tomorrow morning.

"Thank you" he pulls me into a tight side hug as we come up to his car and both stop outside it.

"Are you calling a taxi?" Luke asks me, running a hand through his quiff that seems to be slowly falling.

"Yeah, I'll just do that now" I pull out my phone and it's already four in the morning. I check to see how much money I have left and am short from the amount needed to get back to the house. I groan and look up to Luke who's watching me.

"Please can I borrow a some money for the taxi? I'm such an idiot and haven't got enough. I promise I'll pay you back" I say, looking up at him from the palm with the money in it. He's leaning against the car and something about the pose, with his black shirt, jeans and lip ring, makes him look sort of dangerous.

"Sure, I've not got much since Jack had all the money but it might be enough" he digs in his pocket and pulls out just enough for the ride but then looks up from his hand and asks me "or you can stay with me in the car till seven and I'll take you back" His eyes are hopeful, hoping I choose to join him, which I do since I don't like the idea of him being alone.

"I'll join you, but I must warn you, I snore a little" I warn with a smile, which he just laughs and says he does to, but I quickly learn his snores are just cute puffs of air. I pretend I'm asleep for another hour, but spend it watching him like a creep. I really don't deserve his friendship, but then again, he hasn't left after all the pushing I've been doing, so I'm going to stop pushing and slowly open my arms and welcome him into my life.


	12. Chapter 11

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ow-ey ouch.

My neck and my head felt like someone was slamming them against a table, kicking them, and then punching them for good luck all at the same time!

I groan, very loudly, and prise my mascara crusted eyes open to reveal sun rays cutting into my soul through every organ in my body.

Am I exaggerating? No. No, I'm not.

"Good morning" A deep voice says and I almost jump out of my skin. I press my hand to my chest, stopping my pounding heart from jumping out my skin, and turn to face Mr Luke Hemmings.

"What about this morning is good?" I grumble and rub my forehead with the back of my hand.

"You know, a normal person would say that back with smile and in a cheery, welcoming voice" he smartly chirps and brings both of his hands out, which are holding some tablets and a bottle of water.

"We both know I'm not normal." I thank him for being thoughtful and gulp down the tablets and water, not even asking what type of tablets they are and grimace at how warm the liquid is.

"It's half nine. I was going to let you lay in but I got a call from Caitlin saying she needed help" Luke sadly tells me and starts turning the wheel on the side of his seat so it go back into its chair form.

My lips tug into a small smile from half nine being a lay in, but then again we're teenagers and half two in the afternoon is the normal time for us to wake from our deep slumber.

"She better not have broke the shower again; the last time she broke it, I had to go in there, while she was naked, and 'fix' it, and all she'd done is turn the cold tap on instead of the hot one" I roll my eyes at the memory and grimace when I recall seeing that half of her 'area' had been shaved.

"Well you've lived any straight man's dream" he says, causing me to scoff since I got drench it my clothes, took apart the shower with some shitty tools, only to leave to come back in and find out she'd turned the wrong tap.

"So what did she say?" I ask and move my chair so it's aline with Luke's.

"Dunno but to be honest, it didn't seem that much of an emergency" he says, scrunches his face up and shakes his head slightly. 

"McDonalds?"

"McDonalds"

"Maybe McDonalds will be our always"

We both burst into laughter and head off to the fast food restaurant that could probably call us by our full names by now.

We end up chatting for just over an hour and memories of last night start coming back after Luke recalls our childish games at the park. I almost spit out my drink when I remember sharing a kiss with a stranger and weave my way out of Luke's worried questions with 'it went down the wrong hole' and fake coughs. He drives me back to the house, our laughter filling the conditioned air, intensifying our hangover headaches but neither of us try to stop making each other laugh. I grab my purse and reach over to grab my phone only to bang heads with Luke. Both of us groan but end up laughing when do it again. He ends up getting it after telling me to stay put.

"Thank you Luke, for everything" I smile, despite the headache from too many pints and head injuries, but so does Luke.

"It's my pleasure. Plus, sleeping in a car is so much better when I'm not alone," he says and pulls me into a hug. I smile warmly into his shoulder and slowly pull back after a few moments, but suddenly, he kisses my cheek!

Yep, he kissed my cheek! My cheek! His lips pressed against my cheek!

Okay, maybe my incoherent thoughts are a little exaggerated since a lot of people greet with a kiss to the cheek, but I've barely have human interaction since Ashton left, well besides last night but we'll forget about that, and now Mr Luke Hemmings has just kissed my cheek! Is that something friends do? I'm not to sure, and even though I've only let Ashton do that, he's the only person who has, I can't say I didn't like the heat of his lips against my rosy cheeks.

"Bye" I say blushing, looking down, exciting the car, he says it back and starts the car again. I give a little wave and walk up the couple of steps to the door, open the door and walk through, though just like always, Luke waits till I'm safe inside till he drives off with the only evidence of him being with me is the blood in my cheeks.

I sigh at the silence in relief since it must mean Caitlin isn't going to bother me. I automatically drag myself up the stairs and fall onto my bed with the remote in my hand.

Though happiness never lasts long since Caitlin enters with her loud voice, replacing Hugh Jackman's sexy voice with her shouting.

"Where the hell have you been? You've been with Luke all night and then when I tell him I need you for an emergency, you turn up two hours later and get straight into bed! I could be dying!" She firmly places his hands on her hips and furrows her eyebrows angrily at me.

"But you're not" I whisper to myself.

"What?" She says since she didn't hear my rude remark.

"Nothing" I say innocently since I'd just be putting more fuel onto the fire.

"Okay, but I need you to come into town with me" she says, sitting on her bed and starts putting on her white vans.

"Why?" I groan, especially since I barely know Caitlin and now she's asking me to go into town with her and calls it an 'emergency'.

"I need a new bikini for Luke's pool party tonight" she says as if it's obvious I should know that, which I don't, meaning Luke hasn't invited me to his party when we're supposed to be friends.

"Oh okay" I mumble sadly and give in. I don't have enough energy to put up a fight and I know Caitlin has enough and more to. She practically drags me out of the house still in last nights' clothing as soon as I agree, meaning I didn't get to my pills.

Caitlin tries on almost every bikini in every shop and hates them all. All of them looked great since her body is perfect but she still ends up putting them back on the hanger and shoving them in my arms to go take back. We both end up in Victoria's Secret, grab her size in almost everything and make our way to the changing rooms.

"I just want something that will make Calum says wow" she says behind the curtain.

"To be honest, I think he'd just prefer it if you'd got it off" I laugh slightly since Calum will just be picturing it off rather than admiring the pretty beading details.

"That's the thing. Promise not to say anything" her tone deflates and instantly I know we're going to have a serious conversation.

"Promise" I say immediately since I don't really have someone to gossip to, even if I wanted to, and I'd want people to keep my secrets so why shouldn't I keep theirs?

"Me and Calum haven't slept together in a while" I hear her sniffle quietly.

"Why? But you guys seemed so happy and I thought you guys were constantly at it" I say honestly. Calum always seemed to be the type of guy to be always wanting to have sex and Caitlin seemed the same, I don't mean they seem 'slutty' or 'slaggy', just that they enjoy sex and it's a big part of their relationship.

"I don't know. He's just been so distant."

"To be honest Caitlin, I just think you guys are just becoming comfortable with each other, which is completely normal, and you don't need to be having sex or be together all the time. I just think you both need space to be teenagers without having each other there all the time" I say from experience. Not from sex, just from life. I spent so much of my time with Ashton that when he was gone I had no one else since I never let myself be away from him for ten minutes to talk to someone else. Sometimes, you have to live your life with them instead of living your lives together.

"I guess so. I just hope he's still attracted to me" she mumbles and I can tell she's looking at her body as if it's mine.

"Caitlin. You are so beautiful, like really beautiful! You could model for here, so if Calum is no longer attracted to you, there are lots of people who are" I shake my head about the negative thoughts I know she's thinking.

"Thank you" She says softly and removes the curtain from between us.

"I like that one" I say for the hundredth time today while scanning the white bikini that has black lines outlining it.

"Me too." The two words immediately make me smile and hope that means that's the last one she'll try on.

"Great"

She disappears into the changing room again and then says behind the curtain "why don't you try one on?"

"Nah, I'm okay. I've already got one" I answer back since I do have one hidden in my wardrobe somewhere.

"One? You have to have more than one! Go get one while I finish trying on just a couple more" she demands and somehow I find myself obeying before I decide if I want to. I don't need to get another, but then again, I need something to do instead of standing like a statue in front of her changing room.

I search through quite a lot which look nice, go straight to the ones at the back of the stands, and huff when there is either not my size left or they don't do my size. I search a couple more but find nothing so I debate going back and say I didn't like any, until a woman walks up to me with a fake smile.

"Can I help you?" She asks in a polite tone that I decide to take her up on it since she looks like she just wants something to do to get past the day.

"I'm trying to find a one piece in my size" I say, being quiet so no one else hears my struggle.

"Follow me" she orders and leads me over to a section in the back of the store where, from what it looks like, are for 'bigger' girls.

"There is only a few but this one would look nice on you" she picks up a full black one piece that just looks plain with a couple fake creases. I look at it then look at the other only three they have: a leopard print one, a neon pink one and one with cuts outs in all the wrong places for girls who have rolls.

"Yeah, that's nice. I'll try that one on" I grab my size in the black one and walk back to the changing room beside Caitlin's one.

"Got a couple?" She asks and I just say yeah since I don't want her to force me to go back and pick up the only others in my size that are hideous.

I remove my clothes, avoid looking in the mirror, and struggle pulling the tight fabric up my body. I look in the mirror and scan, avoiding the bad parts, and just focusing on whether I look okay or not.

"What do you think of that one?" Caitlin asks behind the curtain which means she's finished trying on and is waiting for me now. She must know I've tried it because I've stopped the struggling sounds.

"Okay. It's probably the best I'm going to look in one of these" I say since it's true. It emphasises my breasts instead of my rolls but doesn't reveal too much or over sexualise my body.

"You coming out? I wanna see" she says impatiently.

"No. I don't want people to see me wearing this" I say as if it's obvious. People either look at her with heart eyes or just glance then look away, but I'd just get judgement and pity.

"But people have to see it when you go to the beach or the pool" she chuckle slightly.

"No they're not. I'm not going to a swimming pool or a beach. I only tried this on cos you made me." I'm starting to get irritated at her. She just can't understand what it's like to not having perfect curves, guys' jaws dropping as she walks bay and not having to practically run into a pool, hoping no one sees.

"This is exactly why I told Luke not to invite you. You wouldn't have even come anyway or you'd have just worried too much about what you look like to even have fun. You don't look as bad as you think Myke. Yeah, you're not the thinnest person ever, but you have a pretty face and that's all everyone care about."

"A pretty face? Really? Why did you think it was your role to make decisions for me?" I pop my head through the curtain, scarring Caitlin from my angry expression.

"You do have a pretty face! You have nice eyes and lips! You have nice hair too! Well when it isn't in your usual messy bun... I just wanted to look out for you and didn't want you to dampen everyone else's day" I roll my eyes immediately at her comment and turn back from her, replacing the black swimsuit with my normal clothes.

I grab my stuff and ignore Caitlin's pleas for me to listen to her apologies and walk to the counter, grabbing this thin black cover that goes over the top of my swimsuit when I'm not in the pool. I pay and ignore the large prize for two items but do it to prove a point.

"I'll tell him you're coming" Caitlin says quietly beside me and pulls out her phone. I don't say anything and walk out with her following me...for once.

"I'm going to get a few things and get on the bus. I'll see ya later" I say and walk away before waiting for her to reply. I walk straight towards the bus station and hope she isn't there when I get back.

I'm just mad. Really mad. She'd just assumed that I was too self-conscious to go to Luke's pool party and denied my invitation without asking me, thinking she knew me enough to make decisions for me. Me and Caitlin aren't even that much of friends, to be honest I don't even consider her as friend, which makes me even madder; I'd be mad even if Ashton would have done that.

I'm going to go to the party and I'm going to show them that I'm going to have fun instead of being self conscious about my weight.

But that's the thing, if Luke had asked me to come, I'd have said no for the same reasons Caitlin did.


End file.
